The True Meaning of Christmas

Christmas is a time to be thankful and enjoy the company of those that you love and appreciate the ones who couldn't be with you.  We can see the good in everyone and even the nastiest among us enjoy the excitement and warmth of the season.  More importantly, it is the time of year when we can all get behind something that we truly value and believe in: consumerism. 

We all know that peace, joy, and love are totally cool but those alone are not good enough to get all Americans on the Christmas train.  Thankfully, material possessions have brought us together in a way that baby Jesus just couldn't.  As I worked at a popular retail chain on Christmas Eve and watched the last minute shoppers gather their items in their overflowing carts, my heart overflowed with good cheer.  I knew there was hope for the future.  Even the Grinch would appreciate the sights I witnessed. 

I had the good fortune to help a guest find a holiday themed DVD starring Tim Allen and we chatted casually about the holidays.  She told me that when she was younger all of the stores closed at noon on Christmas Eve and she voiced her opinion on how terrible it was that we had to work.  I told her that I suppose we are open because people love to shop and they also love to wait to the last minute.  She said but still it's cruel to make people work.  Then she glanced around and whispered that only Jewish people should work on Christmas Eve and Day.  I didn't have the heart to tell this woman that she was directly responsible for Target remaining open.  I just couldn't say that because she needed to have the original Santa Clause Special Edition DVD, I was forced to work.  I didn't explain that business decisions are based on making a profit.  I felt that telling her this would be like telling a child that Santa isn't real.  It would take all the wonder and magic out of her future shopping experiences.  I didn't want to have that on my conscience.  That's why I told her that I was Jewish and muttered some phrases that sounded like Yiddish.  I hope I fooled her.

Merry Christmas and I hope you bought me something.

Joe for the Holidays

When you have very little money, gift giving can be potentially embarrassing.  That's when the phrase "It's the thought that counts" actually comes in handy.  I recorded a new CD that is bound to be a holiday classic for years to come.  Now you can share my thoughtfulness for only $19.95.

Airport Security: Which to Choose

Airport security is seeing some interesting policies put into place, but thankfully we have a choice.  We can choose to either have our privacy invaded via a machine that will display our naked bodies or via our friendly neighborhood TSA officer.  There are certainly pros and cons to each method and I have broken down my findings below.

Advanced Imaging Technology

This is really embarrassing.  Her underwear is shaped like a gun.

The phrase "Advanced Imaging Technology" is just a fancy way of saying that they can see you naked.  The TSA says that the "technology meets national health and safety standards" but didn't lead paint and chicken nuggets also meet those same standards?  How sure can we be that the technology is safe?  What if we get hard and dried out like after I cook a hot pocket for an extra 30 seconds?  There is also a potential problem with recognition.  The TSA says that the machines "cannot store, print, transmit or save the image" and they "blur all facial features".  I find this unbelievable and unacceptable.  I am going through all of this trouble keeping my body in great shape and now I don't even get to show off to a security officer.   If the TSA was smart they would offer passengers the option of purchasing their collectible photo with an optional airbrushing at an additional cost.  Then the machines would pay for themselves and encourage people to get in shape (or get implants.)

Perfect for...
Exhibitionists
Perverts
People in great shape
People with good looking or over sized private areas


Pat Down

Let's face it.  The security won't come from the Abercrombie and Fitch catelog.  Chances are they will either be an overweight man or an angry woman.  It will not be an exciting pat down that you will want to tell your friends about.  It will be clumsy, uncomfortable, and over much too soon.  I love that we can either go through a machine that costs $170,000 or we can opt for an old fashioned pat down.  This is apparently just as safe as the machine but a fraction of the cost.  Hands are the all natural choice for those concerned about their ecological footprint or they have a small pee pee.  The pat down is a great way to get to know a new friend.  After they pat you down, offer to return the favor for them.  You will probably make their day and you almost definitely won't be arrested and thrown in airport prison with the real terrorists.

Perfect for...
People in bad shape that want human interaction
Lonely
Sad
Confused
Perverts
Those who enjoy a latex touch
Terrorists

My choice is going to be to ask for both.  It is better to be safe than sorry.  It is possible that a terrorist strapped some explosives to my body without me knowing.  I believe that these measures don't go far enough.  Passengers should be naked.