America's Game

The Super Bowl is as American as using an Apple Pie for target practice and as awesome as David Lee Roth arm wrestling a mountain lion.  In other words, it is a spectacle that I never want to miss.  Two things we value in America are violence and money.  The super bowl combines those with two other American things: unhealthy food and the objectification of women.  That's what I call prime time entertainment for the whole family! 

I don't know how to say this so I'll just blurt it out: I didn't watch the Super Bowl.  I didn't see the commercials, the Black Eyed Peas, or Christina Aguilera.  I guess there was also a football game in between that I missed.  Before you call the House Un-American Activities Committee, I still like big trucks and hometown values.

This brings me to my Super Bowl highlight brought to you by Bridgestone Doritos.  When you want reliable snacks, you want Bridgestone Doritos: Now with Lemon!

Many patriots are upset that Christina Aguilera made a mistake while singing the National Anthem.  I have to agree with Joan Rivers.  "Last night, Christina Aguilera wore black while singing the national anthem. Black is suing her for defamation -- it's supposed to be slimming."  Thanks Joan for that topical and relevant opinion.  Everyone is talking about Christina because of what she was wearing.  Her performance was perfect and her creative lyrics added to the excitement of the game.

I guess some people didn't like the Black Eyed Peas performance.  I thought Fergie's humps were satisfactory and the robot that was filling in for will.i.am only had a few malfunctions.  The real problem was the show was too safe.  Where was the Rolling Stones F bomb or the Paul McCartney wardrobe malfunction?  I can't wait till next year when Lady Gaga sacrifices Joe Buck while singing Poker Face with David Bowie.  It will be memorable.

Obviously I am upset with the outcome.  It was a lose lose situation.  On the one hand there is a Packers victory.  This means a constant bragging about the Lombardi trophy from warm cheese breath.  On the other hand, a Steelers victory gives rape a new spokesperson.  (Allegedly.)

Finally, I think the most American thing is to promise people something and then steal it from them.  Having 1200 ticketholders get booted from their seats is a classic throwback to the days when Native Americans had places to live.  Somewhere in a 1908 Studebaker-Garford B limousine Jay Leno is smiling.

Five Snow Tips

As I sit here and type, I wait for the inevitable time when the power will go out and I am left here to freeze and then die slowly like a lizard.

For those of you who don't live here or in the giant snowhole, the graphic below should help.

This simple map shows just how bad this snownami is.  It has the potential to be the worst in recorded Chicagoland history and is the only time that snow has ever been purple.  That's why many in the weather industry are calling it The Great Bieber Blizzard of '11.

Many people know that Justin Bieber's favorite color is purple (duh, obviously).  The creation of many Justin Bieber collectibles and tour shirts has increased the USA's production of purple dye.  The toxins escape and we are left with Hurricane Bieber. 

The goal of this blog is certainly not to point fingers at a 16 year old Canadian pop-R&B singer.  This blog's primary goal is to complain and provide helpful tips for people in similar situations.  If you want to come out of this snowpocalypse with minimum snowstruction, just listen to snow.. I mean me.

1. Don't Panic

Sure people on TV are calling it snowmageddon and it could break records and trap you in your house.  Sure it could shut down the power and make roads difficult to bring food and supplies to your town.  It sounds scary but it's just hype.  It's like the shake-weight.  Nobody actually believes doing those ridiculous motions will make you strong.  It is just clever marketing.

2. Don't Shovel
There are lots of reasons to not shovel: it's cold, you could injure yourself, and there are things called snow-blowers.  If you have no choice but to shovel, find someone else to do it.  If you are a parent, have your child do it.  If you are a child, have the neighborhood penguin do it.  If you are a penguin, get a snow-blower.

3. Never Eat Snow

I cannot stress this one enough.  NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EAT THE SNOW.  I don't care if it is fresh from the sky.  I don't care if it makes you really happy.  DO NOT DO IT.  The problem with eating snow that has touched the ground is that the ground is dirty.  Even when you look at the whitest snow there is danger.  It may appear on the surface to be a delicious low calorie snack but it is completely possible that that snow landed on a piece of poop and when you stick your face into it, you get a nasty surprise.  Then all the kids at the bus stop laugh at you and Suzy definitely doesn't want to kiss you any more.  Your nickname becomes Poop Lick and you have to drop out of elementary school and you end up working at Target and writing a stupid blog about snow.  Don't make that mistake.

4. Snow Angels

Snow angels were never cool or fun.  FACT: 98% of snow angels are created by people who have fallen and cannot get up.  They just lay there struggling while people walk by and assume that everything is ok.  Snow angels are what boring people do in the snow for fun.  Instead of skiing or building a snowpenis in their friend's front yard, boring people lay down and make a snow angel.  When they are done they shrug and go inside and drink decaf coffee and nap.  Don't be stupid.

5. Yell at Kids

There is nothing more annoying than the sounds of children having fun on a snow day while you are trying to sleep.  Kids shouldn't be awake before noon on a day off.  They should be asleep or watching Nick Jr.  That means that you have every right to yell at them if they bother you.  Obviously yelling "Get off my lawn" is not appropriate but here are a few phrases that will work great.  "Don't touch my snow."  "I hope your snowfort is strong enough to stop my Dodge Stratus at 36 mph."  "I'm going to shove this icicle up your ass."  "I am not afraid to go back to prison."  If none of these work just drive your Dodge Stratus (or other sedan) into their fort.  That'll show those bastards.

I hope these tips will keep you alive as the snolocaust continues its snowvalanche on the country.  Snowtergate