America's Game

The Super Bowl is as American as using an Apple Pie for target practice and as awesome as David Lee Roth arm wrestling a mountain lion.  In other words, it is a spectacle that I never want to miss.  Two things we value in America are violence and money.  The super bowl combines those with two other American things: unhealthy food and the objectification of women.  That's what I call prime time entertainment for the whole family! 

I don't know how to say this so I'll just blurt it out: I didn't watch the Super Bowl.  I didn't see the commercials, the Black Eyed Peas, or Christina Aguilera.  I guess there was also a football game in between that I missed.  Before you call the House Un-American Activities Committee, I still like big trucks and hometown values.

This brings me to my Super Bowl highlight brought to you by Bridgestone Doritos.  When you want reliable snacks, you want Bridgestone Doritos: Now with Lemon!

Many patriots are upset that Christina Aguilera made a mistake while singing the National Anthem.  I have to agree with Joan Rivers.  "Last night, Christina Aguilera wore black while singing the national anthem. Black is suing her for defamation -- it's supposed to be slimming."  Thanks Joan for that topical and relevant opinion.  Everyone is talking about Christina because of what she was wearing.  Her performance was perfect and her creative lyrics added to the excitement of the game.

I guess some people didn't like the Black Eyed Peas performance.  I thought Fergie's humps were satisfactory and the robot that was filling in for will.i.am only had a few malfunctions.  The real problem was the show was too safe.  Where was the Rolling Stones F bomb or the Paul McCartney wardrobe malfunction?  I can't wait till next year when Lady Gaga sacrifices Joe Buck while singing Poker Face with David Bowie.  It will be memorable.

Obviously I am upset with the outcome.  It was a lose lose situation.  On the one hand there is a Packers victory.  This means a constant bragging about the Lombardi trophy from warm cheese breath.  On the other hand, a Steelers victory gives rape a new spokesperson.  (Allegedly.)

Finally, I think the most American thing is to promise people something and then steal it from them.  Having 1200 ticketholders get booted from their seats is a classic throwback to the days when Native Americans had places to live.  Somewhere in a 1908 Studebaker-Garford B limousine Jay Leno is smiling.