New Jobs for Charlie Sheen

It's a rare thing but Charlie Sheen has been pretty funny recently.  He's doing interviews and badmouthing all of his haters.  I think the humor is unintentional but the man knows how to be funny as evidenced in the hit program, Two and a Half Men.  Charlie probably won't be returning to prime time ever but I have a few suggestions for the Sheen Machine's new career.

1.  Porn Star
This is really a no brainer.  It combines two of Charlie's passions: porn stars and thinking very highly of himself.  Charlie Sheen already sounds like a good porn name and Two and a Half Men would make an excellent gay midget spoof.

Now on Blu Ray!

2.  Alcoholic Energy Drink Spokesman
Charlie Sheen could be the Billy Mays of alcoholic energy drinks.  In addition to having the energy and party lifestyle, kids could go out on the weekends and get completely Sheened®.

3. VH1 Star
Brett Michaels climbed the fame ladder from perverted B-list reality star to lovable recognizable pervert.  Sheen can follow Brett's example and ride around in a bus and get herpes. Then go on the Celebrity Apprentice.

4.  Homeless
Sheen already has the voice for it.  Smoking two packs a day certainly takes a toll on the ol' chords, just add a paper bag with a half empty bottle of whiskey and you have a convincing homeless dude.

5. America's Sweetheart
Unlikely.

6.  Birthday Clown

Likely.

7.  Mel Gibson's Personal Assistant
A good way to stay out of the public eye is to go wherever Mel Gibson is hiding.  Also hanging with Gibson makes you seem a lot less antisemitic.

8. Oscar Host
Why buy the milk when you can get the milk straight from the horses mouth.  This isn't an expression and yet it almost makes sense.  Sheen jokes are abundant.  Instead of hearing them second hand from James Franco and Anne Hathaway, let's throw Charlie up there.  He can't be any worse than them.