Bears/Packers

The rivalry between the Chicago Bears and the Green Bay Packers has defined my childhood.  Living practically on the border of Wisconsin and Illinois, I had friends who were discriminated against not because of their skin color or religious preference.  Instead they were judged by the color or their Sunday fan-wear.  Blue and orange meant that we could be friends and green and yellow meant that you weren't allowed to sit on furniture at my house.

With the stakes of the weekend's game being higher than ever, the negativity between the two sides has become unBEARable.  I am overwhelmed with the amount of facebook updates showing graphically what an actual bear in heat would do to an innocent Packer player.  First of all bears should not be allowed at our sporting events and that becomes even more important if they are in heat.  Pictures like these are a sad reminder that even though the Bears will win by a significant margin, we don't need to stoop to this reminder of terrible events in the NFL's past, when team mascots were actual animals.

From the Packers fans I've repeatedly seen the following photograph.

First of all, real clever.  It was really cool the way you took an actual picture from a game and then noticed how it almost looked like something inappropriate and illegal was happening on the field.  Great job!  Learn to photoshop.  Second this picture is old.  Grossman?  Come on.  That would be like Bears fans making penis picture references to you (although those would be really funny.)  Try something like this.

Now that's how you make fun of the other team.  It almost looks like the baby really is wearing a helmet.  The caption also makes sure that even Packers fans will get it.  It's also timeless.  I think Sackman's picture will be around forever.

This brings me to my point: let's not make fun of each other.  Sure I could fill this blog with some more pictures like the ones below.

That was just a simple search.  There were many many more showing how bad the Packers are when compared to the Bears.  What we need to remember is that there are many more things that we have in common.  It's all about perspective.  In the grand scheme of things, the game means very little.  Yes, we can all agree that the Bears will destroy the Packers, but do we need graphic depictions of rape or decapitation?  No.  We don't.  Let's be friends and keep in perspective what American Football is all about: beer and nachos.

Back to School

Learning can be a way for an unemployed person to enjoy personal growth and feel like less of a failure.  That's why I went back to school.  I didn't go to a regular boring school though.  Instead I joined Second City, a place where the immature and silly people join forces.

When I arrived at the training center, I rode the escalator slowly past a giant wall.  My heart filled with excitement as I saw some of the famous graduates:  Norm from Cheers, Chris Farley, and Bill Murray, to name a few.   I wondered if I would meet people in my classes that would one day be displayed on the incredibly funny wall.  I imagine that the feelings that I felt as I slowly ascended towards the heavens were what it must be like for a nerd when he first walks through Harvard or a lonely person at a strip club.  I was nervous, scared, excited, and unfortunately still hungover from the night before.

For those who don't know, Second City is the place where many comedic greats have learned and practiced the craft of improv and humor.  With all of my extra free time, I decided to enroll in two classes: writing and improv.  

The writing class was first and I felt pretty comfortable going into it.  I have taken writing classes and am pretty comfortable hiding behind my desk and notebook. The class consisted of a few exercises (writing not physical) and some attempts at storytelling.  It was fun and I may have made a friend.

Then came my fear, improv.  Improv has scared me for a long time.  I am the type of person that likes to have (or at least think I have) control in my humor.  (I also enjoy bossing people around just to see if they will do some of the things I say.)  I have a fear of dying on stage. 

My fears turned to dust though as my skilled teacher coaxed me out of my shyness and embarrassment of pretending to be or do something that I am not.  By the end I was imagining that I was actually holding an egg or that I really was a woman from the 18th Century.  I certainly have a loooooooong way to go to be a good improviser and I am sad to say that I am not the funniest in the class although I got one laugh in the 2 and a half hours.

It was interesting to me the different types of people that were in each class.  In writing, the students seemed a little bit different or odd.  Some were artsy and some were afraid to be out in daylight and public.  I don't want to say socially awkward but perhaps misunderstood and thoughtful would apply.  On the other hand, we had the improvisers.  Most of them seemed more energetic and more social.  These were the people that thought they were funny, but there were also people that admitted they weren't funny and they were there to loosen up and become less serious.  If I had to say which category I fell into I would say I am probably closer to the writing side.  I was quieter than many of the improv folks and much more comfortable writing than acting.  Hopefully I will become balanced somewhere in between (but obviously keeping some extra awkwardness.)

Being at Second City is like being at a small college except everybody is funnier than you and they actually enjoy going to class.  Even though everyone there is funnier, everyone is also happier because this is exactly what they want to be doing.  It's not like when I had to take Intro to Botany to fulfill my science credit.  Classes are fun and the best part is we don't get grades.

I should have done this a long time ago.

Resolutions for a New Year

Far too often, people set their resolutions too high and then wind up disappointed.  Let's face it, you aren't going to work out once a week.  Only professional athletes and Kelly Ripa do that.  That's why my resolutions are made easy so that I will accomplish them.

1. Create New Years Resolution Blog Post

2.  Gain additional weight

3.  Get out of bed every morning

4.  Only laugh like Fran Drescher

5. Take more "me" time

6.  Read Less

7.  Refer to myself in the third person or get people to call me a cool nickname like "The Duke"

8.  Don't return any phonecalls

9.  Facebook more

10.  Watch movies that I've previously seen and be surprised by the ending

11. Stop lying about knowing Tom Cruise or get to know Tom Cruise

12.  Increase efforts to fund personal mission to Mars

13.  Stop using the phrase, "Don't go there, girlfriend"
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The Origin of my Pajamas: A Defense of the Footed Variety

Having graduated with a degree in Rhetoric, I like to think that I know a thing or two about persuasion.  For those of you who don't know what this subject is all about I will provide Aristotle's definition.  He says that rhetoric is "the ability, in each particular case, to see the available means of persuasion."

Because of my thorough knowledge of this subject I know that there are many ways to persuade and manipulate others into agreement.  An effective rhetorician would be able to easily see and use the various means, but a poor rhetorician will cause these methods to backfire.  (Perhaps my rhetoric failings are the reason I haven't been able to persuade employers to hire me.)


This brings me to my house (and pjs).  At night my roommates (some would say parents) like to keep the house at a temperature that is most suitable for arctic wildlife.  Because my body is not covered in a thick layer of well-insulated fur, I was generally cold at night, especially my feet.  I had been wearing socks to bed almost every night and losing precious hours of sleep needed for my long days of doing nothing and rarely blogging. 


When my parents (roommates) asked what I wanted for Christmas, I said that I didn't want much,, but that I did want footie pajamas because the temperature in the house is so cold at night.  Here is where the rhetoric was supposed to come into play.  I asked for the pajamas not because I wanted them, but because I wanted my parents to know that I was so cold at night that I was willing to wear a ridiculous outfit to bed.  They were supposed to say we don't want our son to look foolish, let's just turn the heat up a little bit.


Then this happens.

At first I was skeptical.  I thought footie pajamas were worn by people who want attention and won't grow up.  Even though I fit both these requirements, I still thought that wearing these pajamas was over the top and stupid.  Then I realized that they actually were the perfect solution.  I used to need 3 blankets and socks and was still very cold.  Now I have one blanket and I feel great!  The whole thing is like a giant Snuggie.  All environmentalists and Eskimos should wear   The only critique that I really have is the butt flap.  I don't know any adult that would really want to poop through the fabric slit.  A normal butt flap would be ok but I have a strange velcro butt slit.  It always pops open requiring me to wear underwear.

Standard

Slit

I'll let you know when I poop through them.

The True Meaning of Christmas

Christmas is a time to be thankful and enjoy the company of those that you love and appreciate the ones who couldn't be with you.  We can see the good in everyone and even the nastiest among us enjoy the excitement and warmth of the season.  More importantly, it is the time of year when we can all get behind something that we truly value and believe in: consumerism. 

We all know that peace, joy, and love are totally cool but those alone are not good enough to get all Americans on the Christmas train.  Thankfully, material possessions have brought us together in a way that baby Jesus just couldn't.  As I worked at a popular retail chain on Christmas Eve and watched the last minute shoppers gather their items in their overflowing carts, my heart overflowed with good cheer.  I knew there was hope for the future.  Even the Grinch would appreciate the sights I witnessed. 

I had the good fortune to help a guest find a holiday themed DVD starring Tim Allen and we chatted casually about the holidays.  She told me that when she was younger all of the stores closed at noon on Christmas Eve and she voiced her opinion on how terrible it was that we had to work.  I told her that I suppose we are open because people love to shop and they also love to wait to the last minute.  She said but still it's cruel to make people work.  Then she glanced around and whispered that only Jewish people should work on Christmas Eve and Day.  I didn't have the heart to tell this woman that she was directly responsible for Target remaining open.  I just couldn't say that because she needed to have the original Santa Clause Special Edition DVD, I was forced to work.  I didn't explain that business decisions are based on making a profit.  I felt that telling her this would be like telling a child that Santa isn't real.  It would take all the wonder and magic out of her future shopping experiences.  I didn't want to have that on my conscience.  That's why I told her that I was Jewish and muttered some phrases that sounded like Yiddish.  I hope I fooled her.

Merry Christmas and I hope you bought me something.

Joe for the Holidays

When you have very little money, gift giving can be potentially embarrassing.  That's when the phrase "It's the thought that counts" actually comes in handy.  I recorded a new CD that is bound to be a holiday classic for years to come.  Now you can share my thoughtfulness for only $19.95.

Airport Security: Which to Choose

Airport security is seeing some interesting policies put into place, but thankfully we have a choice.  We can choose to either have our privacy invaded via a machine that will display our naked bodies or via our friendly neighborhood TSA officer.  There are certainly pros and cons to each method and I have broken down my findings below.

Advanced Imaging Technology

This is really embarrassing.  Her underwear is shaped like a gun.

The phrase "Advanced Imaging Technology" is just a fancy way of saying that they can see you naked.  The TSA says that the "technology meets national health and safety standards" but didn't lead paint and chicken nuggets also meet those same standards?  How sure can we be that the technology is safe?  What if we get hard and dried out like after I cook a hot pocket for an extra 30 seconds?  There is also a potential problem with recognition.  The TSA says that the machines "cannot store, print, transmit or save the image" and they "blur all facial features".  I find this unbelievable and unacceptable.  I am going through all of this trouble keeping my body in great shape and now I don't even get to show off to a security officer.   If the TSA was smart they would offer passengers the option of purchasing their collectible photo with an optional airbrushing at an additional cost.  Then the machines would pay for themselves and encourage people to get in shape (or get implants.)

Perfect for...
Exhibitionists
Perverts
People in great shape
People with good looking or over sized private areas


Pat Down

Let's face it.  The security won't come from the Abercrombie and Fitch catelog.  Chances are they will either be an overweight man or an angry woman.  It will not be an exciting pat down that you will want to tell your friends about.  It will be clumsy, uncomfortable, and over much too soon.  I love that we can either go through a machine that costs $170,000 or we can opt for an old fashioned pat down.  This is apparently just as safe as the machine but a fraction of the cost.  Hands are the all natural choice for those concerned about their ecological footprint or they have a small pee pee.  The pat down is a great way to get to know a new friend.  After they pat you down, offer to return the favor for them.  You will probably make their day and you almost definitely won't be arrested and thrown in airport prison with the real terrorists.

Perfect for...
People in bad shape that want human interaction
Lonely
Sad
Confused
Perverts
Those who enjoy a latex touch
Terrorists

My choice is going to be to ask for both.  It is better to be safe than sorry.  It is possible that a terrorist strapped some explosives to my body without me knowing.  I believe that these measures don't go far enough.  Passengers should be naked.