The Positive Effects of Modern Medicine

It's an incredible world we live in.  Science and technology are words that represent truly how far we've come.  Back in the middle ages, the uneducated would eat their own scabs to prevent chicken pox.  Now we simply give our children lollipops laced with chicken pox.  Primitive man certainly did not have the technology to create a satisfactory artificial watermelon flavor for a pox-pop.

It was much harder back then. The causes of illnesses were unknown so they were mostly invented by the local town wise man. Wise men were generally chosen by beard length and tendency to speak in rhymes.  They would warn of an evil presence that would inhabit your body if you didn't eat enough slop. In those days, slop was just as common as chicken fingers are nowadays. (Interestingly enough slop and chicken fingers contain many of the same ingredients and both lack nutritional value.)

Thank God we now live in the age of modern medicine also called the Chicken Finger Age.  Modern medicine found a cure for diseases like polio and restless leg syndrome. Our knowledge of modern science has even given us a thorough understanding of the problems of the past.  For example, we now fully understand what made the Black Death of 14th Century so deadly.  We have traced the devastation back to rats traveling on merchant ships with the Yersinia pestis bacterium on them. As early as 1928 a young scientist from the Midwest made this startling discovery and shared his findings in the animated documentary "Steamboat Willie". 

"Steamboat Willie" was often overlooked for it's groundbreaking scientific discoveries because its excessive use of sound.

Which brings us to today.  Modern medicine. It has a nice sound to it.  There are three essential points that make modern medicine positive. They are accessibility, effectiveness, and nonpolitical nature.  Clearly accessibility is the most important part of modern medicine.  Of course pills and vaccines can be entirely effective but if they never get to the sick people in need they aren't doing anybody any good.  In our modern age everyone is welcome to get health care.  All you need is insurance or a lot of money.  See! Simple! Modern medicine is also wonderful because it is effective.  I went in to the Doctor the other day for an eye exam. Nothing was wrong with my eyes when I first went in, it was just my yearly checkup. Through the course of my exam they squirted various fluids into and poked around both of my eyes.  I left with blurry vision and temporary sunglasses.  With these fluids I did not even feel the Doctors touching me! It was completely numb! True, vision in my right eye is now blurry but the nurse told me that I could come back and have the Doctor check my eyes out! The system is functioning exceptionally well! (I just need to have an additional co-pay.)  The final reason that modern medicine is a great is that it never gets political.  The fact is the country is very split in this new millennium.  Some people want to vote for this thing and some people want to vote for another. And even some want to veto this thing and then have a parade.  My point here is that it would be easy for the medical system to get swept up in this bumpy political climate.  But it didn't.  Politics enter into many arenas of life but there's one place that it still stays out of: boner pill prescriptions. 

Thank you modern medicine, for putting gross thoughts into my head about the elderly.

Compromise

Compromise: a settlement of differences by mutual concessions.

Thank you, Ron Paul.  Thank you for showing us not only what makes a good republican, but also a good leader.  Leaders are a special breed.  They are exceptional, infallible, and unwavering.  They stand strong on their convictions and ideologies.  It's their way or the highway.

Leadership is about knowing all the answers and ignoring the opposition.  Compromise is another word for pussy.  Obviously, Ron's team is into summer blockbusters as much as me and he shows just how awful it would be to compromise.  How do I know it would be awful?  Because the music is scary and it is typed on a crinkled piece of paper in caps.  If compromise was good surely it would be written in lower case on a nice piece of stationary with soft piano.


The whole idea of compromise is lame.  Why should we make "mutual concessions"?  This just sounds like both parties lose.  Instead let's have one party completely happy or both parties depressed.  Who cares that the decisions that are made actually have an effect on people's lives and futures.  It's more important to make a statement.  That's leadership.

We don't have elections so people can work together and get things done.  That would be stupid.  We have elections so folks can get together and passive-aggressively slow down progress.  You can't run a winning election campaign on an idea that together we can do something great.  "Yes We Can" would be a stupid slogan.  However "Standing on Principles and Pleasing the Base to Get Reelected" would look real good on a bumper sticker.

Here is an example of a true American, who stands by his principles.




God Bless America.

Resume Tip #13: Get Their Attention

If there's one thing that I have learned in my time of unemployment, it's that you need to get the attention of employers.  There are waste paper bins filled each day with boring resumes and cover letters.  White paper.  Times New Roman font.  Black ink.  I almost fall asleep just typing those words.  That's why you need spunk.  Paper is so old fashioned.  That's why I recommend creating an iPhone app that is your resume.  If you don't know how to do that just create a video resume like the one below.  Be sure to include at least one explosion.

Steve Martin and Martin Short

Yesterday, I was privileged enough (thanks to a generous girlfriend) to witness two of my favorite comedians together on stage.  It was the conclusion of TBS' Just for Laughs Chicago festival and I daresay the cherry on top.  For me, it was an opportunity to laugh and listen to two people that inspire me.  It was also a chance to feel what it's like to nearly explode from joy.

The event was billed as a "Very Stupid Conversation" that would feature two of the three amigos.  I didn't know much else going into the show but when I got there there was a piano on stage and chairs.

The show started about ten minutes late, with me becoming more and more agitated as people slowly gravitated towards their seats.  I take my role as an audience member very seriously and I don't care if "the wheelchair access elevator is out of order."  Get to your seat already.

The show began with a series of clips showing our heroes at their best.  Steve and John Candy.  Martin Short as Jerry Lewis.  The Father of the Bride.  Marty as Liz Taylor.  King Tut.  Ed Grimley.

I was surprised at how these clips affected me.  While watching the clips I became overwhelmed with emotion and started to tear up.  The only explanation that I have is that the work of these two performers has provided me with so much entertainment and bliss that it was moving to know that I was going to see them in person.  I am very passionate about Steve Martin and have many times defended his honor in drunken arguments until 4 in the morning.

I never understood how young teenage girls would scream, sob, and try to attack their favorite musicians from Beatles to Bieber.  Can't they control themselves?  What's the big deal? They are just people like the rest of us?  Then I saw Steve Martin live on stage.  It was as if I was Popeye and Steve Martin was my spinach.  It was as if I swallowed the Sun and its energy surged through my veins.  It is also probably what it is like to have a hundred erections on a hundred different penises that are all somehow attached to your body.  Somewhere inside of me I restrained my inner teenage girl and didn't cry out, but in a way I wish I did.

The show opened with a little banter like this.



Then Marty sang a song from his musical Fame Becomes Me which previewed in Chicago and I saw.  After that the conversation began.  Even though a lot of the conversation was similar to Steve's memoir and Steve and Marty's other talk show appearances (which I've obsessively YouTube'd) there were a few tidbits of new information which fueled my inner nerd.  There is also something really wonderful about watching two people that are really funny and really like each other.  They made jokes about each other but it was all in good fun.  A bed was pulled out for Steve when Marty began to sing his second song, and then Marty gently made fun of Steve.



The jokes never got mean because we knew that no matter what was said, these guys were buddies (in Spanish, amigos.)  To me, what was better than the responses to the seemingly ordinary questions was the little side comments.  Steve would give a long winded honest answer to one of Marty's questions and then Marty would just make a comment that he would eventually like a turn to speak.  Needless to say the audience ate up every word that was said and erupted in laughter.  This was the dynamic which produced an excellent comedic team.  Steve was the intelligent, soft spoken, humorist and Marty was the outrageous, loud, performer.  Together they gave the audience everything they could want.  Interestingly though, at the end I didn't think either was funnier or outshown the other.  It was truly a team effort and I will use the word magical.  One magical moment was when Steve swung a microphone towards his banjo which was also by his crotch.  Marty quickly said, "Woah I didn't know where that was going to end up!"  And Steve replied very quickly, "You don't know where I sing from."  It was right after Steve had complimented Bill Murray and Russell Brand for having the quickest ad libs he's ever seen.   

Steve also performed a banjo song while Marty got ready to return to the stage as master interviewer Jiminy Glick.  Jiminy gave Martin Short the chance to be even more outrageous and rude to Steve.  Hilarity ensued.  Then Martin and Steve returned for questions from the audience.  I did not have the guts or the oxygen to ask a question but many people did.

The final part of the show was another part that made me teary.  It was a gentle song about Steve and Marty's 30 year friendship.  It began with Steve handing lyrics to Marty which Steve said he had written for the occasion.  It was a great way to end a great show.  Even watching the video now makes me teary.  I am a pussy.  But who cares.

Fuck You, Joe's Crab Shack

Dear Joe's Crab Shack,
Thank you for finally getting back to me after I applied three weeks ago.  Every day I checked my email hoping that you would respond.  After a while I didn't care if it was a yes or a no, I just wanted some kind of acknowledgement.  I called and was assured that I would be considered that week, but I know how emails can get lost in transit.

 Your letter told me that you were going to "pursue candidates that are a closer match for this position".  You guys are probably right.  My resume clearly didn't emphasize that I " love smiling and dancing" or that I am "passionate" or "energetic."  Truth be told, I only like smiling and dancing.  Love is a stretch.  Instead on my application I talked about past jobs and experience that I have had and clearly, I wasn't good enough.  You want youthful and naive, with an idealistic look at the world.  I have been out of school for one year and have been hardened by the harsh reality of the streets.  I know I mentioned that I take improv classes, have been in musicals, and have worked in restaurants, but I used Times New Roman, a font that goes against everything you stand for.  I should have gone with something like Comic Sans or Bauhaus 93.  These fonts are passionate, energetic, and love to dance.


Quite frankly, I thought that just having the name Joe would give me an edge.  Isn't that the perfect way to start a conversation?  "Hi, I'm Joe, welcome to Joe's Crab Shack."  They would not forget my name that's for sure and they would respect me because they would assume that the restaurant is named after me.  But just having a name doesn't qualify me to "serve food and drinks and accommodate guests' needs in a courteous and timely manner."  And apparently neither does having a college education or working in fast food.  I don't know what would give you this kind of experience but dammit I am going to go out and try to get it so that you will eventually hire me.  Joe's Crab Shack is the highest of all shacks including Radio and Love.  I am not fit to even touch the bucket that holds your snow crab.  I understand your decision and no hard feelings.


Thank you for taking the time to read my application and reject it.  Go fuck yourself, Joe's Crab Shack.


Sincerely,


Joe Barlow

4 Rules for Sending Sexual Photos

Anthony Weiner came forward today to explain that his twitter account had not been hacked and that he was the one that sent this picture to a Seattle lady.

This should come as a reminder to all of us that there are important rules to follow when dealing with this kind of situation.  My biggest regret is that Anthony Weiner didn't get to see this list before this big thing happened.


1.  If your name is Weiner, don't take a picture of your wiener
The first rule does not only apply to the name Weiner.  It applies to all names that are also slang terms for private parts.  For example, Derek Scrotum shouldn't take a pic of his nutsack and Martha Ta-tas should not take a picture of her breasts.  Having a funny name instantly makes your problem 10 times bigger because the easier the jokes come, the longer this will be a news story.  It is also difficult for people to forget about your wiener scandal if your last name is a constant reminder.


2.  If you are going to lie, really lie
Far too many people in this world have consciences and feel guilt when they lie.  Here was Weiner's big mistake.  He did numerous interviews in which he said that his account had been hacked.  Then he made a critical error: when asked if it was him in the picture he said he can’t say “with certitude” whether the picture is him.  Anthony, if you are going to lie about sending out the picture, go all in on the lie and say that it is not a picture of you.  The second lie makes the first lie sound better.  Not denying that it was you in the picture was practically a giveaway.  So now not only did Weiner send an inappropriate photo to someone he has never met, but now he's a dirty liar too.


3.  Don't use the word certitude
This is a word that the guilty use to try to trick journalists.


4. Don't use Twitter
Of all the ways to share a picture of your bulging boxer briefs, you chose Twitter.  Twitter is not great for sharing information privately.  As Weiner learned, the "direct message" box looks exactly like the "new tweet" box.  E-mail, facebook, and cell phones are your best options.  By far the best place to share is MySpace.  Nobody ever goes to that website.


4.  Don't show your face

I think Anthony would have been in the clear if other pictures of him hadn't come up.  Having a shirtless picture is the equivalent of a penis in the underwear shot.  It shows you like attention and are proud of your body.  It's not a stretch to make the connection.  That's why you should just keep your head out of the frame or hold something large in front of it like the neighbor from Home Improvement.  We all know what he was doing behind that fence...

Hangover Script Secrets

Many people know that I have incredible connections in the motion picture industry.  These connections make it possible for me to give you breaking bits of information about popular movies.  I was fortunate enough to know a guy who knows the director of The Hangover, Todd Phillips.  The Hangover was an instant classic that turned Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis into the modern day Three Amigos.  The Hangover Part II did it again and I got to learn about the writing process involved.

The guy I know had access to the writers' computers and discovered that both movies were created from a simple mad lib.  The mad lib sets up the magic formula that reaps box office gold.  No doubt The Hangover Part III  will follow the same formula.  I have the unsolved and solved versions below.

SPOILER ALERT: This mad lib gives away major plot points, however if you have already seen the first Hangover, then you already know them. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)