4 Rules for Sending Sexual Photos

Anthony Weiner came forward today to explain that his twitter account had not been hacked and that he was the one that sent this picture to a Seattle lady.

This should come as a reminder to all of us that there are important rules to follow when dealing with this kind of situation.  My biggest regret is that Anthony Weiner didn't get to see this list before this big thing happened.


1.  If your name is Weiner, don't take a picture of your wiener
The first rule does not only apply to the name Weiner.  It applies to all names that are also slang terms for private parts.  For example, Derek Scrotum shouldn't take a pic of his nutsack and Martha Ta-tas should not take a picture of her breasts.  Having a funny name instantly makes your problem 10 times bigger because the easier the jokes come, the longer this will be a news story.  It is also difficult for people to forget about your wiener scandal if your last name is a constant reminder.


2.  If you are going to lie, really lie
Far too many people in this world have consciences and feel guilt when they lie.  Here was Weiner's big mistake.  He did numerous interviews in which he said that his account had been hacked.  Then he made a critical error: when asked if it was him in the picture he said he can’t say “with certitude” whether the picture is him.  Anthony, if you are going to lie about sending out the picture, go all in on the lie and say that it is not a picture of you.  The second lie makes the first lie sound better.  Not denying that it was you in the picture was practically a giveaway.  So now not only did Weiner send an inappropriate photo to someone he has never met, but now he's a dirty liar too.


3.  Don't use the word certitude
This is a word that the guilty use to try to trick journalists.


4. Don't use Twitter
Of all the ways to share a picture of your bulging boxer briefs, you chose Twitter.  Twitter is not great for sharing information privately.  As Weiner learned, the "direct message" box looks exactly like the "new tweet" box.  E-mail, facebook, and cell phones are your best options.  By far the best place to share is MySpace.  Nobody ever goes to that website.


4.  Don't show your face

I think Anthony would have been in the clear if other pictures of him hadn't come up.  Having a shirtless picture is the equivalent of a penis in the underwear shot.  It shows you like attention and are proud of your body.  It's not a stretch to make the connection.  That's why you should just keep your head out of the frame or hold something large in front of it like the neighbor from Home Improvement.  We all know what he was doing behind that fence...