Black Friday

Today was my first official day of work that I wasn't in training.  It also turned out that it was Black Friday.  I was a cashier, which I actually preferred because it requires little knowledge of where items are and you are constantly busy.  It should be noted that I wasn't supposed to work today.  I was asked to work and I said yes to experience Black Friday from the employee perspective.

The day was pretty standard but I want to include a conversation that I had with a customer.  It was hilarious at the time and I hope I do it justice.

My lane was empty and a guy was waiting behind another person in the lane next to mine so I invited him to come over.  This put him in a good mood and instantly made him my friend.  He came over with his DVD and $7 cash already in his hand.  The guy was probably in his fifties or sixties and was wearing a Navy Veteran jacket.  He had gray hair and was wearing a hat.  I will also tell you that he was black, not because I am racist but because it fits with my theory that black people are generally much cooler than white people at any age.

Anyway, I scanned the DVD and he was surprised that the price was lower than he expected. 

Guy: I guess I'm used to New York taxes.
Me: Really they are that bad?
Guy: Yeah they're terrible.
Me: The city or the state?
Guy: The city.
Me: Oh I really want to visit there.  Maybe live there for a while.
Guy: You gotta before you die.
Me: Yeah I want to. I don't know if I can afford those taxes though.
Guy: You need to get a rich momma.  Then she'll pay for you.  Haha.
Me: Haha. Yes that is something I need to look into.
Guy (Leans in): Sometimes they are a little (makes a gesture that they are fatter) but they are still rich. Haha.
Me: Haha thanks for the advice.
Guy: You seem like a nice guy so you'll probably get one easy.
Me: Ok good I think I have my future planned.

And then we said our goodbyes and parted ways.  The guy was hilarious and nice.  If only the lady who got mad because I didn't fold her clothes was more like him, then I would have had a perfect day.

No Thanks

Instead of being serious and saying the things that I'm thankful for (family, friends, roof, etc.) I decided to make this post about the things that I'm not thankful for.  Just because I'm not thankful doesn't mean I necessarily have anything against the things listed.  It just means that I would be ok without them.

1.  Cats

Any experience that I've had with cats has never been positive.  It is either neutral or incredibly negative.  While I'm with a cat, I'm really just trying not to make it angry.  This extra caution seems to only infuriate the cat into a hissing and clawing frenzy.

2. Ham

Ham isn't that good.  I only really like ham if it is between two slices of bread and slathered in mustard.  I've actually tried that without the ham and it is equally tasty.


3.  Parsley

So this is better looking now?

What does this taste like? I don't know and I don't care.  Somehow some French chef figured that throwing a green thing on the plate with your food made it more appealing.  I don't get it.  Also included in my non-thanks list: sage, rosemary, and thyme.


4.  Earmuffs

Even with shocking fashionable colors, earmuffs suck.

There are two problems with earmuffs: they don't work that well and they don't look cool.  It's one thing to overlook fashion if there is function, but the fact is that earmuffs pale in comparison to a nice hat.  Eskimos don't wear earmuffs for a reason.


5.  Gladys Knight

Though some may call her the "Empress of Soul" I call her a poor man's Donna Summer.  Gladys Knight was made by The Pips.  Their excellent voices and choreography made her voice shine and her ego grow.  She left them and then their true talent got to shine through (I am thankful for The Pips).




6.  Pretzel M&Ms

I wanted to like Pretzel M&Ms so bad.  It seems like a great idea.  Unfortunately there is hardly any chocolate and they don't taste that good.  Crunchy M&Ms you will be missed.


7. Cancer
You'd have to be a pretty sick person to be thankful for cancer.


8.  Rob Schneider
He knows what he did.

Workin' Man

I applied for all of these jobs.

I guess it's time for me to come clean with you loyal followers.  The rumors are true.  I have received my dream job: part time seasonal employment at Target.  I guess it just goes to show that with hard work and perseverance, anything can happen.  Truly the sky is the limit.

Now I want you to know that this doesn't mean daddy doesn't love you any less.  I will always be here for you.  I care about you and love you very much.  It just means you won't see me as often.  I know it will require sacrifices from all of us to make this work, but I'm willing to put in the extra effort.

Because I am not entering the workforce full time or for multiple seasons, I consider myself to be unemployed part-time for a majority of the seasons.  That is why I will continue the blog.  It is my hopes that Target and having money will provide for more interesting posts than posts about pants or my thoughts on The View.  Thanks for reading and please continue to read until I get a real job and ditch you for good.

Do Pants Make the Man?: The Objectification of my Buns

I got some new pants. They aren't really anything special.  They are khakis and they were on sale.  Normally I don't put a lot of thought into pants.  About 50% of the pants I own were bought by my mother when she found them on clearance

Not this time, sister.  These pants fit me like a tailor had spent hours adjusting and readjusting them to emphasize my curves in the right places.  Until this point in my life, I had assumed I was like most white men my age, buttless and pale.  The pale part still applies but with these new pants my buns are practically on parade.  It's like two symmetrical jello molds were shoved back there.  I don't even need to buy a Booty Pop.  I'm not trying to brag but these pants have given me the confidence and the ultimate lift that I have been waiting for.

After wearing the pants in public, I could tell suddenly that the opposite sex took special notice of me.  I was no longer ordinary, librarian, nice guy, undesirable, Joe; I was masculine, tough, lumberjack, sexual, Joe.  My ass became the pied piper and all women within the county became rats following my magic flute.  Women threw themselves at me, with comments like, "Me likey" and "hooooya".  Some just drooled and made a guttural hiss  I must say, at first I enjoyed the attention.  I flirtatiously winked and promised to call these hoards of women.  Then later I still enjoyed the attention.

It seemed that everywhere I looked the eyes were not connecting with mine.  Instead they were locked on the target: my caboose.  I jokingly told them that my eyes were up here but even after my gentle reminders they couldn't help themselves.  The women were hypnotized by my soft padded milky cheeks.  You may think that I would get tired of being regarded as only a piece of meat, but I was happy to be noticed.  The drooling was really gross but that is really my only complaint.

The power that lies within my pants is greater than I ever anticipated.  I now refuse to sit on my butt.  Instead I kneel or lean on my side.  I can't afford to damage my goods.  They could be the key to my future employment. 

Conan Critique

I didn't realize I missed Conan O'Brien so much until he walked through that curtain on TBS tonight.  A smile instantly came on my face right from the moment the show started with the "Previously on Conan" Godfather video bit, but when I saw the giant red man himself in the studio, I was overjoyed.

I think that the Conan that we saw tonight is similar to the Conan that we saw right after and during the writer's strike (and I'm not just talking about the beard.)  During the writer's strike, Conan had nobody but himself to get through those shows.  Once the writer's strike was over, Conan knew what he could do and his confidence and performance level grew.  After touring the country and seeing just how big Team Coco really is, I think Conan has more confidence by again being forced outside his comfort zone.  Conan didn't hide behind his beard, he came out and had a great time being in front of the cameras and studio audeince again.  The monologue to me was the highlight of the show, which can often be the lowest part of a talk show.  It can be slow, too long, or the current events of the day may not easily lend themselves to humor.  Conan was loose, energetic, and visibly happy to be back.

I think Conan was back better than ever but unfortunately I found some elements on the show to be not as great.

The first problem that I had began before even seeing the show: the guests.  We have known for a little while that Seth Rogan would be Conan's first guest.  I have a firm belief that the first guest on your first show needs to either be hilarious or bring out the best in the host (obviously the best would be a combination of both.)  There are a few problems with Rogan as a first guest.  The first is that he just isn't a great guest.  I have seen Rogan on many talk shows and I never have seen him be great.  He's likable and says a few funny things but he tells stories and doesn't have conversations.  And he talks about weed.  The second problem is that he basically treated the interview like it was another appearance on any other talk show.  He told some stories and then promoted his upcoming movie.  I think a good first guest will talk to the host, especially with the way Conan has been in the news it seems strange not to ask Conan what he's been up to, how he's doing, anything.  The first show should be about the host more than anything.  That's why I actually think that the best guest was Jack White.  Even though White was the musical guest, it showcased Conan's talent and Basic Cable Band.  Then you could tell that he enjoyed talking to White and White had some funny stuff to say.

As I watched Rogan I began to think of guests that Conan has had in the past that would have been excellent, even if they may not have been movie stars.  Here are some of my favorite guests that have already proven that they can be good on talk shows.  Jeff Goldblum, James Lipton, Will Ferrell, Steve Martin, Bill Murray, Oprah, Norm McDonald, Tom Hanks (at least he is tomorrow.)  The more I think about it the more that I think James Lipton would have been perfect.  Lipton would have nothing to promote and because he is a skilled interviewer and pretty funny we would have had a funny exchange and learned about Conan in his time off.

My only other problem was the set.  The set seemed to be almost the same as his Tonight show set.  I know a lot of talk show sets are basically the same but my main problem was that the color scheme.  After googling his old set and his new one, it is not immediately evident which is which.  The giant moon and ocean certainly is different from the cityscape but on first glance the colors make the sets seem the same.  I would like to see a visual departure from the old shows and try new colors or take a risk in some way.  I like that there was a new theme song and opening credits sequence and I think the entire look of the show should have been new and different.  It's a small detail, but it matters to me.

Believe it or not: these are two different sets.

At the end of the day though, I think that this is a very exciting time to watch Conan because this is his first time hosting a show that he didn't inherit.  For Late Night he was compared to Letterman and for the Tonight Show it's Carson and Leno.  Now Conan has a great opportunity to do it his way.  I think it's going to be very interesting and I'll definitely keep watching.


Some writer's strike footage.

Things I Don't Like

Here is an introduction to some of the things I don't like.  By no means is this a comprehensive list.  The list grows each day I encounter something new.  It is worth noting that I have had to try and deal with all of these things and I really don't like them.

1.  Using the word "peeve"
This is not a huge deal to me but it is worth mentioning.  I could have easily titled this post with the much shorter "My Peeves".  But I didn't.  A peeve sounds like a midget sex criminal.  I also think it is overused.

2.  Warm Toilet Seat
Without getting too graphic, this really bothers me.  When I go and sit on the john, a warm seat is as bad as an awful smell.  It gives me the same disgusted feeling that I would have at the sewage plant or a pig farm.  My brain somehow makes the connection from seat warmth, to another person sitting here, to poop came out of them.  My body comes to the conclusion that recently someone went number two and suddenly I feel uncomfortable.  I think that this is actually an evolutionary advantage that will protect me when a seat-spread virus destroys the human population.

3.  Butter Cross Contamination
Picture this: you are making some toast.  Your bread is slowly becoming brown as you gather some jelly and butter.  Just as the toast finishes, you open the butter container to find that there are crumbs in the butter.  Welcome to my nightmare.  Call me crazy (as many have), but I really do not appreciate when things get into the butter container that aren't butter.  I hate seeing little brown specs and when scooping out my butter I avoid them.  While I mentioned butter, this applies to every food product.  I don't want peanut butter in my jelly, or vice versa, or crumbs in my mayonnaise.

4.  Missing the Beginning of a Movie
I really don't like missing the beginning of a movie.  If the movie is on tv, there is no chance I'll watch it.  If it is in the theaters and I've paid for it, I will watch but I won't be as excited.  I don't like playing catchup.  I want to know what the audience is supposed know when they are supposed to know it.  You know?

Even if the movie really sucks (like this one)

5.  Sharing spit via food or utensil
I know what your first question is: what if it's a really pretty girl?  The answer is I still don't like it.  I guess this kinda goes back to the food contamination.  There's something about knowing that another person's saliva is in that food that makes it gross.  Thankfully I don't put kissing in this same category... ladies.

No thanks.

6.  Expiration date
I obey them and the best by dates, otherwise I have no legal protection.  Why would they put them on there?  It's because if the customers get sick they won't lose all their money.  The worst is when you have something and the expiration date has rubbed off.  Who knows when it will have the power to kill you.

After writing this post, I've learned that I am very particular about things getting to me in the condition that they are intended whether it be an entire movie, a fresh toilet seat, or pure butter.  I want entire things as expected.

Spanish Language Takeover

I know about trends.  I knew LA Gear shoes were cool and I knew that those Backstreet Boys had "it".  Now I see a new trend.

The trend is the Spanish language.  Telemundo, illegal immigrants, and that hot Columbian on Modern Family.  They all point to the future, a future where Spanish is the only language.  Instead of fighting this, I am going with the flow.  For the past four days I have created this music video.  It should make me extremely popular (or as they say in Spanish, popular) when the full transformation begins.

I created the lyrics to the song using an online translator.  I know I made some mistakes but I am hoping the Latinos are a kind and accepting people.  Enjoy the Premiere of "Donde esta mi Calcetin: A Song About a Sock". (Watch in glorious HD)

Best of this Blog

Hello! I realize that this may be the first time you are here.  I'm Joe.  This is my humorous (hopefully) blog.  I've gathered the most popular and some of my favorites to put in this refresher course.  If you have already read all of my blogs you are probably pretty pissed that this isn't a new blog and is really just a way for me to take the day off.  In an attempt to please you, I have added why I think it's popular or why I like it.  If you aren't too pissed, feel free to use the buttons below to share the blogs via e-mail, twitter, or facebook.

Top Blogs

Brett Favre's Guide to Photography 248 Page Views
This post is frequently viewed because it combines three things that are very popular right now: Brett Farve, photography, and penis humor.

Mosque at Ground Zero 40 Page Views
The best thing about this blog is its use of the chart.  Charts provide an easy way to simplify one's beliefs and mock them.

Pupdate 26 Page Views
It's no surprise that the blog with the fewest words and the most cute pictures of my puppy is very popular.  I'll probably start a new blog that has no words and only has pictures of my puppy.

My Favorites

A Short Piece of Fiction
This is a good post because it has a picture of a pretty girl.

The Complete History of Ridged Potato Chips
I like snacks and I also have a passion for lying.  This post was an elaborate photoshopped combination.

Top Eight Greatest Jobs in the World
Because this blog is about my unemployment, it's nice to have my dreams out there.  Who knows, maybe a plus size modeling agency will see my head shot and offer me work.

What?

Watch this video and then read the rest of the blog.



Wow.  First question: What?

Second question: Why is a former President of the United States going on the "KISS Morning Freak Show" to talk with Mikey and "Big" Bob?  I'm sure that "Big" Bob is a fine journalist and a cool guy to chug 10 beers with but come on.  The Morning Freak Show?  The President? How did this get set up?  Was Bill Clinton just at home listening to his favorite morning radio program when all of a sudden Mikey said that the 10th caller got two Josh Groban tickets?  This entire thing baffles me but I find it to actually be perfect branding for the "Morning Freak Show".  Would I expect the president to be on that particular show?  No, I wouldn't.  It's out of the ordinary and therefore a freak occurrence.  Well done, "Big" Bob. You fat son of a bitch.

In other president/rapper news, Bush says in his new book that being called a racist by Kanye West was an "an all-time low".  And if we are talking about the Bush presidency, that's saying something.  (Zing.)  Being called a racist is not good, especially if you aren't one.  That's why I made a table that tells what things are racist and what things aren't.  Enjoy.

The President in 2012 is going to be...

I got a free sticker today!  All I had to do was vote.  I wish they would give out coupons to Burger King instead.  Maybe next year.

Despite my votes, it seems that we will have a Republican senator, governor, and treasurer.  Even though I didn't vote for any winners, at least the Republicans have promised smaller government so I won't have to hear from them.  If they are really responsible, they will probably fire themselves and destroy the entire government.  Then we will have lower taxes (none) and a smaller government (none).

The real reason for this post is to provide a prediction.  Some are already implying what this means for the race in 2012.  Is this an opening for Palin?  Is this like Clinton in '94, leading the way to a successful second term?  Nobody knows.  Except me.

I know that the race in 2012 comes down to one thing: grassroots support.  Obama in 2008 and the Tea Parties now have showed that victory will come to the person that can get people on the ground in communities to help get the word out.

What goes along with this is yard signs.  Simple math shows that the candidate that has the most yard signs will win an election.  "Ok, Joe so if that's true, what's your point?"  Let me answer your question with a different question: who already has a lot of signs in people's front yards?  Exactly.  Realtors. 

That's why in 2012 I predict that the new president will be a Realtor.  Campaign funds can be spent wisely, like creating negative ads or booze for the interns. 

Some already use patriotic colors.

The Results of Months of Research

 
I haven't shared with anyone what research I have been conducting for the past few months.  I didn't want the word to spread within the scientific community about the remarkable discovery I was so close to unveiling.  The information below was researched by me using post-it notes and myself as a test subject.

After many months, I now know exactly how long a human can be unemployed until he or she will begin to wear sweatpants.

Since we all know that eventually an unemployed person will wear sweatpants, I set out to discover exactly how many days it would take for that person to wear sweatpants.  With the stress, boredom, and depression that goes along with an unemployed lifestyle, sweatpants become ideal.  The comfort, ease of putting on, and especially the room for weight gain makes sweatpants the best clothing option.

Initially I predicted that full sweatpantedness would be achieved in 6 months.  I beat my prediction by two weeks.  It took exactly 192 days and a 100% job rejection rate for me to put on sweatpants.

So what does this mean for society?  It means that when you see a person in sweatpants at Walmart or the library you know that person's story.  That person is unstable, and could go off at the tiniest annoyance.  They are tired of life beating them down  Be nice to people in sweatpants because at any moment any one of us is just 192 days away from wearing the same outfit.

I don't know why my sweatpants say this.