The True Meaning of Christmas

Christmas is a time to be thankful and enjoy the company of those that you love and appreciate the ones who couldn't be with you.  We can see the good in everyone and even the nastiest among us enjoy the excitement and warmth of the season.  More importantly, it is the time of year when we can all get behind something that we truly value and believe in: consumerism. 

We all know that peace, joy, and love are totally cool but those alone are not good enough to get all Americans on the Christmas train.  Thankfully, material possessions have brought us together in a way that baby Jesus just couldn't.  As I worked at a popular retail chain on Christmas Eve and watched the last minute shoppers gather their items in their overflowing carts, my heart overflowed with good cheer.  I knew there was hope for the future.  Even the Grinch would appreciate the sights I witnessed. 

I had the good fortune to help a guest find a holiday themed DVD starring Tim Allen and we chatted casually about the holidays.  She told me that when she was younger all of the stores closed at noon on Christmas Eve and she voiced her opinion on how terrible it was that we had to work.  I told her that I suppose we are open because people love to shop and they also love to wait to the last minute.  She said but still it's cruel to make people work.  Then she glanced around and whispered that only Jewish people should work on Christmas Eve and Day.  I didn't have the heart to tell this woman that she was directly responsible for Target remaining open.  I just couldn't say that because she needed to have the original Santa Clause Special Edition DVD, I was forced to work.  I didn't explain that business decisions are based on making a profit.  I felt that telling her this would be like telling a child that Santa isn't real.  It would take all the wonder and magic out of her future shopping experiences.  I didn't want to have that on my conscience.  That's why I told her that I was Jewish and muttered some phrases that sounded like Yiddish.  I hope I fooled her.

Merry Christmas and I hope you bought me something.

Joe for the Holidays

When you have very little money, gift giving can be potentially embarrassing.  That's when the phrase "It's the thought that counts" actually comes in handy.  I recorded a new CD that is bound to be a holiday classic for years to come.  Now you can share my thoughtfulness for only $19.95.

Airport Security: Which to Choose

Airport security is seeing some interesting policies put into place, but thankfully we have a choice.  We can choose to either have our privacy invaded via a machine that will display our naked bodies or via our friendly neighborhood TSA officer.  There are certainly pros and cons to each method and I have broken down my findings below.

Advanced Imaging Technology

This is really embarrassing.  Her underwear is shaped like a gun.

The phrase "Advanced Imaging Technology" is just a fancy way of saying that they can see you naked.  The TSA says that the "technology meets national health and safety standards" but didn't lead paint and chicken nuggets also meet those same standards?  How sure can we be that the technology is safe?  What if we get hard and dried out like after I cook a hot pocket for an extra 30 seconds?  There is also a potential problem with recognition.  The TSA says that the machines "cannot store, print, transmit or save the image" and they "blur all facial features".  I find this unbelievable and unacceptable.  I am going through all of this trouble keeping my body in great shape and now I don't even get to show off to a security officer.   If the TSA was smart they would offer passengers the option of purchasing their collectible photo with an optional airbrushing at an additional cost.  Then the machines would pay for themselves and encourage people to get in shape (or get implants.)

Perfect for...
Exhibitionists
Perverts
People in great shape
People with good looking or over sized private areas


Pat Down

Let's face it.  The security won't come from the Abercrombie and Fitch catelog.  Chances are they will either be an overweight man or an angry woman.  It will not be an exciting pat down that you will want to tell your friends about.  It will be clumsy, uncomfortable, and over much too soon.  I love that we can either go through a machine that costs $170,000 or we can opt for an old fashioned pat down.  This is apparently just as safe as the machine but a fraction of the cost.  Hands are the all natural choice for those concerned about their ecological footprint or they have a small pee pee.  The pat down is a great way to get to know a new friend.  After they pat you down, offer to return the favor for them.  You will probably make their day and you almost definitely won't be arrested and thrown in airport prison with the real terrorists.

Perfect for...
People in bad shape that want human interaction
Lonely
Sad
Confused
Perverts
Those who enjoy a latex touch
Terrorists

My choice is going to be to ask for both.  It is better to be safe than sorry.  It is possible that a terrorist strapped some explosives to my body without me knowing.  I believe that these measures don't go far enough.  Passengers should be naked.

Black Friday

Today was my first official day of work that I wasn't in training.  It also turned out that it was Black Friday.  I was a cashier, which I actually preferred because it requires little knowledge of where items are and you are constantly busy.  It should be noted that I wasn't supposed to work today.  I was asked to work and I said yes to experience Black Friday from the employee perspective.

The day was pretty standard but I want to include a conversation that I had with a customer.  It was hilarious at the time and I hope I do it justice.

My lane was empty and a guy was waiting behind another person in the lane next to mine so I invited him to come over.  This put him in a good mood and instantly made him my friend.  He came over with his DVD and $7 cash already in his hand.  The guy was probably in his fifties or sixties and was wearing a Navy Veteran jacket.  He had gray hair and was wearing a hat.  I will also tell you that he was black, not because I am racist but because it fits with my theory that black people are generally much cooler than white people at any age.

Anyway, I scanned the DVD and he was surprised that the price was lower than he expected. 

Guy: I guess I'm used to New York taxes.
Me: Really they are that bad?
Guy: Yeah they're terrible.
Me: The city or the state?
Guy: The city.
Me: Oh I really want to visit there.  Maybe live there for a while.
Guy: You gotta before you die.
Me: Yeah I want to. I don't know if I can afford those taxes though.
Guy: You need to get a rich momma.  Then she'll pay for you.  Haha.
Me: Haha. Yes that is something I need to look into.
Guy (Leans in): Sometimes they are a little (makes a gesture that they are fatter) but they are still rich. Haha.
Me: Haha thanks for the advice.
Guy: You seem like a nice guy so you'll probably get one easy.
Me: Ok good I think I have my future planned.

And then we said our goodbyes and parted ways.  The guy was hilarious and nice.  If only the lady who got mad because I didn't fold her clothes was more like him, then I would have had a perfect day.

No Thanks

Instead of being serious and saying the things that I'm thankful for (family, friends, roof, etc.) I decided to make this post about the things that I'm not thankful for.  Just because I'm not thankful doesn't mean I necessarily have anything against the things listed.  It just means that I would be ok without them.

1.  Cats

Any experience that I've had with cats has never been positive.  It is either neutral or incredibly negative.  While I'm with a cat, I'm really just trying not to make it angry.  This extra caution seems to only infuriate the cat into a hissing and clawing frenzy.

2. Ham

Ham isn't that good.  I only really like ham if it is between two slices of bread and slathered in mustard.  I've actually tried that without the ham and it is equally tasty.


3.  Parsley

So this is better looking now?

What does this taste like? I don't know and I don't care.  Somehow some French chef figured that throwing a green thing on the plate with your food made it more appealing.  I don't get it.  Also included in my non-thanks list: sage, rosemary, and thyme.


4.  Earmuffs

Even with shocking fashionable colors, earmuffs suck.

There are two problems with earmuffs: they don't work that well and they don't look cool.  It's one thing to overlook fashion if there is function, but the fact is that earmuffs pale in comparison to a nice hat.  Eskimos don't wear earmuffs for a reason.


5.  Gladys Knight

Though some may call her the "Empress of Soul" I call her a poor man's Donna Summer.  Gladys Knight was made by The Pips.  Their excellent voices and choreography made her voice shine and her ego grow.  She left them and then their true talent got to shine through (I am thankful for The Pips).




6.  Pretzel M&Ms

I wanted to like Pretzel M&Ms so bad.  It seems like a great idea.  Unfortunately there is hardly any chocolate and they don't taste that good.  Crunchy M&Ms you will be missed.


7. Cancer
You'd have to be a pretty sick person to be thankful for cancer.


8.  Rob Schneider
He knows what he did.

Workin' Man

I applied for all of these jobs.

I guess it's time for me to come clean with you loyal followers.  The rumors are true.  I have received my dream job: part time seasonal employment at Target.  I guess it just goes to show that with hard work and perseverance, anything can happen.  Truly the sky is the limit.

Now I want you to know that this doesn't mean daddy doesn't love you any less.  I will always be here for you.  I care about you and love you very much.  It just means you won't see me as often.  I know it will require sacrifices from all of us to make this work, but I'm willing to put in the extra effort.

Because I am not entering the workforce full time or for multiple seasons, I consider myself to be unemployed part-time for a majority of the seasons.  That is why I will continue the blog.  It is my hopes that Target and having money will provide for more interesting posts than posts about pants or my thoughts on The View.  Thanks for reading and please continue to read until I get a real job and ditch you for good.

Do Pants Make the Man?: The Objectification of my Buns

I got some new pants. They aren't really anything special.  They are khakis and they were on sale.  Normally I don't put a lot of thought into pants.  About 50% of the pants I own were bought by my mother when she found them on clearance

Not this time, sister.  These pants fit me like a tailor had spent hours adjusting and readjusting them to emphasize my curves in the right places.  Until this point in my life, I had assumed I was like most white men my age, buttless and pale.  The pale part still applies but with these new pants my buns are practically on parade.  It's like two symmetrical jello molds were shoved back there.  I don't even need to buy a Booty Pop.  I'm not trying to brag but these pants have given me the confidence and the ultimate lift that I have been waiting for.

After wearing the pants in public, I could tell suddenly that the opposite sex took special notice of me.  I was no longer ordinary, librarian, nice guy, undesirable, Joe; I was masculine, tough, lumberjack, sexual, Joe.  My ass became the pied piper and all women within the county became rats following my magic flute.  Women threw themselves at me, with comments like, "Me likey" and "hooooya".  Some just drooled and made a guttural hiss  I must say, at first I enjoyed the attention.  I flirtatiously winked and promised to call these hoards of women.  Then later I still enjoyed the attention.

It seemed that everywhere I looked the eyes were not connecting with mine.  Instead they were locked on the target: my caboose.  I jokingly told them that my eyes were up here but even after my gentle reminders they couldn't help themselves.  The women were hypnotized by my soft padded milky cheeks.  You may think that I would get tired of being regarded as only a piece of meat, but I was happy to be noticed.  The drooling was really gross but that is really my only complaint.

The power that lies within my pants is greater than I ever anticipated.  I now refuse to sit on my butt.  Instead I kneel or lean on my side.  I can't afford to damage my goods.  They could be the key to my future employment. 

Conan Critique

I didn't realize I missed Conan O'Brien so much until he walked through that curtain on TBS tonight.  A smile instantly came on my face right from the moment the show started with the "Previously on Conan" Godfather video bit, but when I saw the giant red man himself in the studio, I was overjoyed.

I think that the Conan that we saw tonight is similar to the Conan that we saw right after and during the writer's strike (and I'm not just talking about the beard.)  During the writer's strike, Conan had nobody but himself to get through those shows.  Once the writer's strike was over, Conan knew what he could do and his confidence and performance level grew.  After touring the country and seeing just how big Team Coco really is, I think Conan has more confidence by again being forced outside his comfort zone.  Conan didn't hide behind his beard, he came out and had a great time being in front of the cameras and studio audeince again.  The monologue to me was the highlight of the show, which can often be the lowest part of a talk show.  It can be slow, too long, or the current events of the day may not easily lend themselves to humor.  Conan was loose, energetic, and visibly happy to be back.

I think Conan was back better than ever but unfortunately I found some elements on the show to be not as great.

The first problem that I had began before even seeing the show: the guests.  We have known for a little while that Seth Rogan would be Conan's first guest.  I have a firm belief that the first guest on your first show needs to either be hilarious or bring out the best in the host (obviously the best would be a combination of both.)  There are a few problems with Rogan as a first guest.  The first is that he just isn't a great guest.  I have seen Rogan on many talk shows and I never have seen him be great.  He's likable and says a few funny things but he tells stories and doesn't have conversations.  And he talks about weed.  The second problem is that he basically treated the interview like it was another appearance on any other talk show.  He told some stories and then promoted his upcoming movie.  I think a good first guest will talk to the host, especially with the way Conan has been in the news it seems strange not to ask Conan what he's been up to, how he's doing, anything.  The first show should be about the host more than anything.  That's why I actually think that the best guest was Jack White.  Even though White was the musical guest, it showcased Conan's talent and Basic Cable Band.  Then you could tell that he enjoyed talking to White and White had some funny stuff to say.

As I watched Rogan I began to think of guests that Conan has had in the past that would have been excellent, even if they may not have been movie stars.  Here are some of my favorite guests that have already proven that they can be good on talk shows.  Jeff Goldblum, James Lipton, Will Ferrell, Steve Martin, Bill Murray, Oprah, Norm McDonald, Tom Hanks (at least he is tomorrow.)  The more I think about it the more that I think James Lipton would have been perfect.  Lipton would have nothing to promote and because he is a skilled interviewer and pretty funny we would have had a funny exchange and learned about Conan in his time off.

My only other problem was the set.  The set seemed to be almost the same as his Tonight show set.  I know a lot of talk show sets are basically the same but my main problem was that the color scheme.  After googling his old set and his new one, it is not immediately evident which is which.  The giant moon and ocean certainly is different from the cityscape but on first glance the colors make the sets seem the same.  I would like to see a visual departure from the old shows and try new colors or take a risk in some way.  I like that there was a new theme song and opening credits sequence and I think the entire look of the show should have been new and different.  It's a small detail, but it matters to me.

Believe it or not: these are two different sets.

At the end of the day though, I think that this is a very exciting time to watch Conan because this is his first time hosting a show that he didn't inherit.  For Late Night he was compared to Letterman and for the Tonight Show it's Carson and Leno.  Now Conan has a great opportunity to do it his way.  I think it's going to be very interesting and I'll definitely keep watching.


Some writer's strike footage.

Things I Don't Like

Here is an introduction to some of the things I don't like.  By no means is this a comprehensive list.  The list grows each day I encounter something new.  It is worth noting that I have had to try and deal with all of these things and I really don't like them.

1.  Using the word "peeve"
This is not a huge deal to me but it is worth mentioning.  I could have easily titled this post with the much shorter "My Peeves".  But I didn't.  A peeve sounds like a midget sex criminal.  I also think it is overused.

2.  Warm Toilet Seat
Without getting too graphic, this really bothers me.  When I go and sit on the john, a warm seat is as bad as an awful smell.  It gives me the same disgusted feeling that I would have at the sewage plant or a pig farm.  My brain somehow makes the connection from seat warmth, to another person sitting here, to poop came out of them.  My body comes to the conclusion that recently someone went number two and suddenly I feel uncomfortable.  I think that this is actually an evolutionary advantage that will protect me when a seat-spread virus destroys the human population.

3.  Butter Cross Contamination
Picture this: you are making some toast.  Your bread is slowly becoming brown as you gather some jelly and butter.  Just as the toast finishes, you open the butter container to find that there are crumbs in the butter.  Welcome to my nightmare.  Call me crazy (as many have), but I really do not appreciate when things get into the butter container that aren't butter.  I hate seeing little brown specs and when scooping out my butter I avoid them.  While I mentioned butter, this applies to every food product.  I don't want peanut butter in my jelly, or vice versa, or crumbs in my mayonnaise.

4.  Missing the Beginning of a Movie
I really don't like missing the beginning of a movie.  If the movie is on tv, there is no chance I'll watch it.  If it is in the theaters and I've paid for it, I will watch but I won't be as excited.  I don't like playing catchup.  I want to know what the audience is supposed know when they are supposed to know it.  You know?

Even if the movie really sucks (like this one)

5.  Sharing spit via food or utensil
I know what your first question is: what if it's a really pretty girl?  The answer is I still don't like it.  I guess this kinda goes back to the food contamination.  There's something about knowing that another person's saliva is in that food that makes it gross.  Thankfully I don't put kissing in this same category... ladies.

No thanks.

6.  Expiration date
I obey them and the best by dates, otherwise I have no legal protection.  Why would they put them on there?  It's because if the customers get sick they won't lose all their money.  The worst is when you have something and the expiration date has rubbed off.  Who knows when it will have the power to kill you.

After writing this post, I've learned that I am very particular about things getting to me in the condition that they are intended whether it be an entire movie, a fresh toilet seat, or pure butter.  I want entire things as expected.

Spanish Language Takeover

I know about trends.  I knew LA Gear shoes were cool and I knew that those Backstreet Boys had "it".  Now I see a new trend.

The trend is the Spanish language.  Telemundo, illegal immigrants, and that hot Columbian on Modern Family.  They all point to the future, a future where Spanish is the only language.  Instead of fighting this, I am going with the flow.  For the past four days I have created this music video.  It should make me extremely popular (or as they say in Spanish, popular) when the full transformation begins.

I created the lyrics to the song using an online translator.  I know I made some mistakes but I am hoping the Latinos are a kind and accepting people.  Enjoy the Premiere of "Donde esta mi Calcetin: A Song About a Sock". (Watch in glorious HD)

Best of this Blog

Hello! I realize that this may be the first time you are here.  I'm Joe.  This is my humorous (hopefully) blog.  I've gathered the most popular and some of my favorites to put in this refresher course.  If you have already read all of my blogs you are probably pretty pissed that this isn't a new blog and is really just a way for me to take the day off.  In an attempt to please you, I have added why I think it's popular or why I like it.  If you aren't too pissed, feel free to use the buttons below to share the blogs via e-mail, twitter, or facebook.

Top Blogs

Brett Favre's Guide to Photography 248 Page Views
This post is frequently viewed because it combines three things that are very popular right now: Brett Farve, photography, and penis humor.

Mosque at Ground Zero 40 Page Views
The best thing about this blog is its use of the chart.  Charts provide an easy way to simplify one's beliefs and mock them.

Pupdate 26 Page Views
It's no surprise that the blog with the fewest words and the most cute pictures of my puppy is very popular.  I'll probably start a new blog that has no words and only has pictures of my puppy.

My Favorites

A Short Piece of Fiction
This is a good post because it has a picture of a pretty girl.

The Complete History of Ridged Potato Chips
I like snacks and I also have a passion for lying.  This post was an elaborate photoshopped combination.

Top Eight Greatest Jobs in the World
Because this blog is about my unemployment, it's nice to have my dreams out there.  Who knows, maybe a plus size modeling agency will see my head shot and offer me work.

What?

Watch this video and then read the rest of the blog.



Wow.  First question: What?

Second question: Why is a former President of the United States going on the "KISS Morning Freak Show" to talk with Mikey and "Big" Bob?  I'm sure that "Big" Bob is a fine journalist and a cool guy to chug 10 beers with but come on.  The Morning Freak Show?  The President? How did this get set up?  Was Bill Clinton just at home listening to his favorite morning radio program when all of a sudden Mikey said that the 10th caller got two Josh Groban tickets?  This entire thing baffles me but I find it to actually be perfect branding for the "Morning Freak Show".  Would I expect the president to be on that particular show?  No, I wouldn't.  It's out of the ordinary and therefore a freak occurrence.  Well done, "Big" Bob. You fat son of a bitch.

In other president/rapper news, Bush says in his new book that being called a racist by Kanye West was an "an all-time low".  And if we are talking about the Bush presidency, that's saying something.  (Zing.)  Being called a racist is not good, especially if you aren't one.  That's why I made a table that tells what things are racist and what things aren't.  Enjoy.

The President in 2012 is going to be...

I got a free sticker today!  All I had to do was vote.  I wish they would give out coupons to Burger King instead.  Maybe next year.

Despite my votes, it seems that we will have a Republican senator, governor, and treasurer.  Even though I didn't vote for any winners, at least the Republicans have promised smaller government so I won't have to hear from them.  If they are really responsible, they will probably fire themselves and destroy the entire government.  Then we will have lower taxes (none) and a smaller government (none).

The real reason for this post is to provide a prediction.  Some are already implying what this means for the race in 2012.  Is this an opening for Palin?  Is this like Clinton in '94, leading the way to a successful second term?  Nobody knows.  Except me.

I know that the race in 2012 comes down to one thing: grassroots support.  Obama in 2008 and the Tea Parties now have showed that victory will come to the person that can get people on the ground in communities to help get the word out.

What goes along with this is yard signs.  Simple math shows that the candidate that has the most yard signs will win an election.  "Ok, Joe so if that's true, what's your point?"  Let me answer your question with a different question: who already has a lot of signs in people's front yards?  Exactly.  Realtors. 

That's why in 2012 I predict that the new president will be a Realtor.  Campaign funds can be spent wisely, like creating negative ads or booze for the interns. 

Some already use patriotic colors.

The Results of Months of Research

 
I haven't shared with anyone what research I have been conducting for the past few months.  I didn't want the word to spread within the scientific community about the remarkable discovery I was so close to unveiling.  The information below was researched by me using post-it notes and myself as a test subject.

After many months, I now know exactly how long a human can be unemployed until he or she will begin to wear sweatpants.

Since we all know that eventually an unemployed person will wear sweatpants, I set out to discover exactly how many days it would take for that person to wear sweatpants.  With the stress, boredom, and depression that goes along with an unemployed lifestyle, sweatpants become ideal.  The comfort, ease of putting on, and especially the room for weight gain makes sweatpants the best clothing option.

Initially I predicted that full sweatpantedness would be achieved in 6 months.  I beat my prediction by two weeks.  It took exactly 192 days and a 100% job rejection rate for me to put on sweatpants.

So what does this mean for society?  It means that when you see a person in sweatpants at Walmart or the library you know that person's story.  That person is unstable, and could go off at the tiniest annoyance.  They are tired of life beating them down  Be nice to people in sweatpants because at any moment any one of us is just 192 days away from wearing the same outfit.

I don't know why my sweatpants say this.

Kids Today

Today was the first Halloween that I have given out candy.  I must be getting older because as I repeatedly opened the door to give candy to strangers, I was generally upset with what greeted me.

Back when I was a young person, Halloween was the best time of year.  You got to actually be creative and more importantly, you got a lot of candy.  Even at an early age, my parents had instilled within me the good values and responsible behavior that goes with the supposed "free" candy.  The candy is not free.  This isn't a redistribution of sucrose or a government handout.  The candy is earned but thankfully it is quite easy for a kid to meet the requirements.

The first requirement is to say a simple phrase, "Trick or treat."  This phrase is quite easy to remember because it is an action verb (Trick-or-treating) and it has the object that you are asking for at the end (a treat.)  Despite the simplicity, more than half of the kids did not say the magic phrase of the day.  I opened the door and they just held out their plastic pumpkin buckets or pillowcases. I paused to see if they would say it but they just stared as if to say, "Come on, idiot, I have places to go."  I begrudgingly was forced to give them candy as their parents watched like hawks from the sidewalk.  It was humiliating.

The second requirement is for the child to dress in costumes.  First let me say that I am not an ageist.  I trick-or-treated all the way through high school and I took it very seriously.  In fact, some of my better costumes were in high school.  With that in mind, some older kids came to my door wearing sweatshirts and jeans.  Even though they said "Trick or treat" I was not happy to give them my Fun Size Snickers.  A costume cannot be something that you could have worn to school on any day.  It wouldn't be hard to turn the sweatshirts and jeans into a costume.  Simply squirt some ketchup on you and suddenly you are bloody guy.  No explanation is needed.  I fought off the urge to punch these hooligans and instead sarcastically said, "Nice costumes."  That showed them.

The final requirement is for you to actually go to the door.  As crazy as it sounds I was asked by two little girls at different times to give an extra piece for their sister. When they asked this they pointed back to their parents at either a stroller or a confused looking fairy butterfly thing.  Their little faces looked at me and I had no choice but to give them the extra candy.  For all I know it was an elaborate scam to double their candy stashes.  I'm onto you, little girls.  No tricks next year.

There was one other thing that I was shocked and appalled by.  It was when a girl got excited when I gave her an Almond Joy.  Really? Almond Joy?  Almond Joy was always a let down for me.  Coconut belongs on Girl Scout cookies, not in milk chocolate.  Even Heath Bars are better than Almond Joy.  They had to name it that because before Almond Joys nobody would have ever used those words together. However, I respected the girl who turned away from me and proudly exclaimed to her mother, "I got Kit Kat."  Maybe there's hope for the future.

Negative Campaign Ads

WARNING: The following blog contains the word "shit" numerous times.  If this bothers you, skip over the word when it appears and instead substitute in the word "fish".  This should provide maximum enjoyment for everyone.

Watching tv reminds me that there is an election coming up.  Ads play during every commercial break, telling me how terrible, ruthless, and dishonest the other candidate is.  It reminds me that I love this country.

Really, negative ads are the only thing that I like about politics.  Some people call it "silly season" for politics,  a time when we care more about whether someone is a witch or not instead of who actually agrees with us on the issues.  I see negative ads as showing us who our politicians really are: spineless opportunistic weasels.

Every election we hear the same thing from our politicians.  If they are new, they tell us that they will change Washington.  They will fix the broken system.  They will fight for the people and not corporate interests.  They will create jobs.  They will babysit the kids.  They will cook you breakfast in bed.  Unfortunately they are full of shit.

If they are running for reelection they talk about the two or three good things they did and say their work isn't done.  They have a proven record of fighting for the people and not corporate interests.  They created jobs.  They babysat.  They made scrambled eggs.  They are also full of shit.

I have a theory about politics.  The theory says that 95% of politicians are full of shit.  Many get involved and are not full of shit at first.  They have good intentions and want to help.  But the more power and, even worse, more perceived power that a person has is directly proportional to how much they are full of shit.  The more power or perceived power, the more shit.

Negative ads are when the politicians show us their true selves. The ads show us that politicians want us to like them so much, that they are willing to attack another person's reputation, values, and personal hygiene, without considering the fact that their opponents are human beings with families and feelings.  Then after spewing hate in angry fonts and low voiced announcers they have the balls to say, "I approve this message."

"My opponent literally farted on the elderly in 1992 and has used your tax dollars to build illegal immigrant hooker mosques next to elementary schools. I'm Doug Wilson and of course I approve this message."

After negative ad season and the election, the winner heads to Congress to do very little and then get elected to do it all again.  Enjoy this time of year while it lasts.  Then on November 2nd go and vote for the meanest candidate.


I made this in high school and attacked Steve's bowling skills.  In fairness, Steve still can't bowl.

Predictions About The Future

It is funny when you read a book or watch a movie that made predictions about what the world would be like in 20 years.  1984 said that we would be in perpetual war with Big Brother watching.  The third Planet of the Apes movie said that in 1983 all dogs and cats would be dead, and by 1991 ape slavery would lead to the great ape rebellion.  Minority Report  predicted that in 2002, a Tom Cruise film about precrime would make money.  These films took a chance on predicting what the world would be like in the near future.  Now I would like to share with you my thoughts.

I've consulted my astrology chart so my predictions are pretty accurate.  Come with me in a time machine through text, all the way to the future: the Year 2034.

In 2034, all children will have a nice tan.  It will be a combination of many interracial marriages and a massive hole in the ozone layer that burns all the white people.  Everyone will dress like Lady Gaga until society realizes that it's really really stupid.  The most popular male name will be Zorgon and the most popular female name will be Karen.  Nobody will name their child Cody.

2034 will also mark the first time a puppet became self aware.  He will be a charismatic puppet named "Archie" and with a small group of followers he will get the first Puppet Bill of Rights signed into law by President Bristol Palin.  He will later overdose on pain pills and cookies.

The most powerful country in the world will be Lithuania because they will develop a car that can run on their leading export: sadness.  Renewable sadness cars will put Lithuania on the map, though the map will be different of the map of today.  Chile will have separated from South America and join with Haiti.  This makes donating much easier.

Pot will be legal and Fun Size candies will be illegal.  Pants will be tighter and made of metal.  Dental hygiene will be obsolete as everyone replaces their teeth with diamonds or amethyst for poor people.  Soup will be available in a cold variety and males and females will be completely hairless due to extensive cellphone radiation.  The board game Jumanji will have a virtual edition that is not suitable for children under 8.

A new strain of virus will break out that will leave its victims thinking they can breathe underwater.  By the time they realize they can't, it will already be too late.  This is how the human race will end.

Have a great day!

Recent Realizations

-When your brother isn't in the country, everything that he owned now belongs to his sibling.
-The best trilogies of all time are Jackass, The Matrix, Back to the Future, and Honey I Shrunk the Kid.
-Cheese, especially when melted, makes almost every food better.
-As of today this blog has 1,178 views.
-In five days it will be inappropriate to say I Love Boobies.
-I want breakfast sausage.
-My dog actually likes wearing a cone on her head.
-Despite repeated attempts to learn the Banjo, I've learned that it is an annoying instrument.
-I believe that the planet is most likely to be overrun with apes, then robots, then zombies, and lastly ape robots.
-You can't always get what you want.
-Just because the elderly can drive, doesn't mean they should.
-It's lonely at the top.. and the bottom.
-Al Gore has been missing for a while.
-I can accidently physically hurt myself while raking leaves.
-The black guy usually dies first.
-Me and my Johnson: A way of life for over 50 years.

Brett Favre's Guide to Photography

Today's guest columnist is Brett Favre.  While I don't generally have a guest blogger, I had no ideas today and Brett offered to help.  Take it away Brett.

Thanks, Joe.  When I'm off the field, I have a passion for photography.  I truly can't get enough of setting up various shots and then sharing the pictures with friends, family, and occasionally former New York Jets co-workers.  I have a few tips for making your photos better than you thought that they could ever be.

1. Know your medium

When I first experimented with photography I did not consider the medium.  What I mean by medium is how your snapshot will be seen.  Is it going to be a massive photograph or a little blip on a cell phone screen.  Knowing this will help you choose your camera and how you want to set up your shot.

2. Subject

After you know your medium, you need to have something to take a picture of.  For beginners, I recommend something still that you will have complete control over.  The more comfortable and familiar you are with the object the better.  Make it unique.  Take a picture of something that not everyone has seen that is uniquely you.

3. Scale

It is important to set up something in the picture that will show your viewer how big something is.  A good photographer can trick the viewer into believing that something is quite large or quite small.  For example a quarter next to an object will show how big a thing is in relation to that quarter.  "Wow that thing is equivalent in size to 11 quarters!"  The smart photographer also knows that having a smaller trick quarter can make things look bigger.  "I would never have guessed it was that big but there is a quarter right next to it so it must be [that big]!"

4. Lighting

Lighting is important for maintaining accurate color.  For skin tones, shadows can provide a creepy effect or make wrinkles more pronounced.  The older you get, the more care you want to take because you always want to display your object in the best light.

5. Depth of field

Wikipedia says that depth of field is "the portion of a scene that appears acceptably sharp in the image."  By mastering depth of field, you can make an object appear to come at you by making part of it in focus and part of it out.

It's hard to tell exactly how far this wall goes on for.

6. Practice

I didn't get to be Brett Favre just by doing nothing.  I had to work hard.  Oftentimes when I'm alone I will photograph whatever is around.  Sometimes it is something I'm holding.  Sometimes it's an activity that I'm doing.  Sometimes it's a freaky combination of the two.  The point is practice in a variety of different positions and with or without the lights on.

7. Feedback

When you think you have a picture worthy of critique, it is time to show it to the world. Some people would display their photographs and invite people to see them if they so desire but I'm much more forward.  I send my photos directly to people that I think want to see them.  I go through my phone and address books, deciding who would appreciate the nuances and subtly of the picture.  Then I force it on them to get their true reactions.  Don't get discouraged.  Some people will not appreciate your art.  They may think it's harassment and not something a married man should do.  Screw 'em.  You are Brett Favre.  You can do whatever you want.

There you have it.  It's not hard unless you want it to be (hard).  Enjoy this picture of my balls.

Phelps Supreme Court Case

I took one semester of journalism law so I'm an expert on free speech.  I am also an expert on the Phelps family.  I got to see them in person when they rode into Des Moines.  I had the courage to look them right in the spot where their eyes should have been and ask the tough questions.

This is when he shared an excellent recipe for homemade gingersnaps.

Now the Phelps folks have been taken to the supreme court after they were sued by the father of a dead soldier.  It was on March 10, 2006 at U.S. Marine Lance Corporal Matthew Snyder's funeral that they protested gays in the military.  They did this even though Snyder was not gay.  This may seem strange but I have a theory.


My theory behind this protest is that with the 2005 release of Brokeback Mountain, Phelps became outraged that his favorite style of hat was now being placed on top of men who were occasionally placed on top of other men.  It was truly a huge blow by the gay community to Fred Phelps' tender head.  It was soon after that Phelps became a gay icon and sex symbol.  Phelps needed to assert his true sexuality to the world because he was tired of the constant voice mails left by Neil Patrick Harris.  It was then that he increased his protesting to even protest non-gay military funerals.  Phelps went to his closet and got all of his specially made signs and shortly thereafter came out of that closet with his rainbow colored signs to prove he wasn't gay.

I can't tell them apart.

The supreme court case is a "delicate test between the privacy rights of grieving families and the free speech rights of demonstrators, however disturbing and provocative their message. Several states have attempted to impose specific limits on when and where the church members can protest." Via CNN


This case will not be an easy one to decide.  I would simply like to remind the Supreme Court that they should not be too restrictive in the ruling on the Phelp's case.  Protests and gatherings should still be allowed at funerals.  Free speech needs to prevail. This way, when Fred Phelps and his crazy family die, I can have a big party at their funerals.  There will be shirtless dudes playing volleyball, chicks making out, and a performance by the cast of Glee.  It's what Fred would have wanted.

Goal Setting: A Key to Any Unemployed Fellow

I'm the kind of guy that likes to set goals.  Through my rigorous goal setting, I push myself to be a better human and inspire children with my greatness.  Today is an example of another triumph for Joe Barlow and goals.

I have accomplished 2 goals this week, both long term and quite challenging.  The first goal was a goal that I just finished today.  It began back in 2003.  I was a sophomore in high school and a newbie to goal setting.  I had tried and failed at many goals including getting washboard abs and becoming a performer at Sea World (not a trainer, an actual seal.)  I was down from my failures but not out, as I settled on a different goal.  

Some of my friends talked about a show that I had occasionally seen reruns of on the tv.  From what I saw the show appeared to be funny, but I wanted to see it from the beginning and learn the characters and classic story lines.  The show was Seinfeld and here I am approximately 7 years after I set out to see every episode, with a big pile of success in my pants.

This may not seem significant, but in reality it is a marvelous feat.  First, we must remember that Seinfeld ran for 9 seasons and 180 episodes.  The episodes were all 22 minutes for a total of 3960 minutes.  I checked out the DVDs from the library, so there was a waiting period and I was at school for 8 months for four of the years.  So I crammed in 9 years worth of a television show into about 4 years.  Does this make me cool or pathetic?  All I know is it makes me an achiever of goals.

The other goal involves beer.  I started my final year of college suddenly being able to purchase and consume alcohol.  I walked into the formerly forbidden freezer and became overwhelmed with the selection and prices of the various beers.  There were light 24 packs and dark 30 packs.  There were silver bullets and hipster's delights.  As I scanned the freezer my eyes were drawn to the golden beacon provided by the Miller High Life box.  The can proudly proclaimed that this was the "Champagne of Beers.  Because I was classy, I decided to go with the beer that royalty definitely consumed.  Already satisfied with a wonderful product, I became overjoyed when I discovered that my loyalty to this product would yield rewards beyond my wildest dreams.  It was at that point that I set a new goal: to get enough High Life points to get the most beautiful sweatshirt I had ever set my eyes upon.

People laughed and said it couldn't be done.  The sweatshirt required 5300 points.  A thirty pack of cans was worth 300 points and a twelve pack of bottles was worth 120 points.  Over the past year I (or a friend that gave me his code) entered the codes of 15 thirty packs and 5 twelve packs.  This means that the total cost of the sweatshirt is about $270.  Is this a poor investment or another victory for goals?  I'll let you decide.

Top Eight Greatest Jobs in the World

These are the jobs that I'm hoping to get.

1. Game Show Host
This is the ideal job. People freak out when they get to be on tv and they freak out even more when they win thousands of dollars in cash and prizes.  For some reason they treat the host as if the host was responsible.  The host is their billionaire friend that just likes to share his wealth in the form of weekend getaways and new dinning room sets.  All they have to do is play his little games.  The best part is that even when the contestants lose they are still happy to have played.  Also there are models. Lots of models.

Some shows even number their models!

2. Rocket Scientist
If you want to win all arguments about physics, become a rocket scientist. "I bet I can toss this rock approximately 100 feet straight into the air."  "What are you a rocket scientist?" "Actually yes." "Oh."  You can also trivialize every other occupation and activity any time you want.  All you need to remember is to belittle you friends and neighbors by saying, "Well, this sure isn't rocket science."  Then laugh wildly.

3. Fireman
No one in the history of the planet has ever disliked a fireman because of something they did on the job.  Cops occasionally shoot people or racially discriminate but firemen are real life super heroes, only doing good.  There would be countless cat carcasses in our trees and mountains of ash in our neighborhoods were it not for firemen.  You can also slide down a pole.

4. Rapper
Rap music does something to people's bodies that I can barely comprehend.  Through beats and clever wordplay, rappers make women's bodies (especially their butts) lose control.  From what I've been told, violent shaking and thrusting breaks out at many rap concerts.  Rappers also have cool names and clothes.  I wonder if there are any open positions.

5. Baseball Player
I really hate baseball.  It's boring and my nacho cheese has been cold on more than one occasion.  It turns out that the things that make me not like baseball make it a great job.  It is slow paced, you get to wear a hat, and many of the members use steroids.  Not to mention you get to adjust yourself more than would seem necessary.  If you make one good play a game then you could make Sportscenter.

6. Plus Size Model
Plus size models get all the pros of being a model without the added hassle of diet and exercise.  Instead they can focus on their poses and what they are ordering for lunch.

7. Fox News Host
Do you have a mouth?  Do you like to yell over people and say things that don't have to be true?  Do you want a lot of viewers?  Then you probably already know that you are perfect for Fox News.  You don't need to prepare a "script" or show "respect" to your "guests".  All you have to do is open your mouth and see what comes out.  Glenn Beck does it everyday, and he's famous.

Don't tell anyone that it isn't actually news.

8. Stay at Home Dad
Dad's sometimes get a bad rap for being absent or not caring about their children.  What better way to show how great you are by making it your full time commitment?  Let your wife worry about money while you organize carpool schedules and nail appointments.  While the kids are at school you can write in you "Adventures in Daddy-dom" blog and vacuum.

"I love being a dad!"