Kids Today

Today was the first Halloween that I have given out candy.  I must be getting older because as I repeatedly opened the door to give candy to strangers, I was generally upset with what greeted me.

Back when I was a young person, Halloween was the best time of year.  You got to actually be creative and more importantly, you got a lot of candy.  Even at an early age, my parents had instilled within me the good values and responsible behavior that goes with the supposed "free" candy.  The candy is not free.  This isn't a redistribution of sucrose or a government handout.  The candy is earned but thankfully it is quite easy for a kid to meet the requirements.

The first requirement is to say a simple phrase, "Trick or treat."  This phrase is quite easy to remember because it is an action verb (Trick-or-treating) and it has the object that you are asking for at the end (a treat.)  Despite the simplicity, more than half of the kids did not say the magic phrase of the day.  I opened the door and they just held out their plastic pumpkin buckets or pillowcases. I paused to see if they would say it but they just stared as if to say, "Come on, idiot, I have places to go."  I begrudgingly was forced to give them candy as their parents watched like hawks from the sidewalk.  It was humiliating.

The second requirement is for the child to dress in costumes.  First let me say that I am not an ageist.  I trick-or-treated all the way through high school and I took it very seriously.  In fact, some of my better costumes were in high school.  With that in mind, some older kids came to my door wearing sweatshirts and jeans.  Even though they said "Trick or treat" I was not happy to give them my Fun Size Snickers.  A costume cannot be something that you could have worn to school on any day.  It wouldn't be hard to turn the sweatshirts and jeans into a costume.  Simply squirt some ketchup on you and suddenly you are bloody guy.  No explanation is needed.  I fought off the urge to punch these hooligans and instead sarcastically said, "Nice costumes."  That showed them.

The final requirement is for you to actually go to the door.  As crazy as it sounds I was asked by two little girls at different times to give an extra piece for their sister. When they asked this they pointed back to their parents at either a stroller or a confused looking fairy butterfly thing.  Their little faces looked at me and I had no choice but to give them the extra candy.  For all I know it was an elaborate scam to double their candy stashes.  I'm onto you, little girls.  No tricks next year.

There was one other thing that I was shocked and appalled by.  It was when a girl got excited when I gave her an Almond Joy.  Really? Almond Joy?  Almond Joy was always a let down for me.  Coconut belongs on Girl Scout cookies, not in milk chocolate.  Even Heath Bars are better than Almond Joy.  They had to name it that because before Almond Joys nobody would have ever used those words together. However, I respected the girl who turned away from me and proudly exclaimed to her mother, "I got Kit Kat."  Maybe there's hope for the future.

Negative Campaign Ads

WARNING: The following blog contains the word "shit" numerous times.  If this bothers you, skip over the word when it appears and instead substitute in the word "fish".  This should provide maximum enjoyment for everyone.

Watching tv reminds me that there is an election coming up.  Ads play during every commercial break, telling me how terrible, ruthless, and dishonest the other candidate is.  It reminds me that I love this country.

Really, negative ads are the only thing that I like about politics.  Some people call it "silly season" for politics,  a time when we care more about whether someone is a witch or not instead of who actually agrees with us on the issues.  I see negative ads as showing us who our politicians really are: spineless opportunistic weasels.

Every election we hear the same thing from our politicians.  If they are new, they tell us that they will change Washington.  They will fix the broken system.  They will fight for the people and not corporate interests.  They will create jobs.  They will babysit the kids.  They will cook you breakfast in bed.  Unfortunately they are full of shit.

If they are running for reelection they talk about the two or three good things they did and say their work isn't done.  They have a proven record of fighting for the people and not corporate interests.  They created jobs.  They babysat.  They made scrambled eggs.  They are also full of shit.

I have a theory about politics.  The theory says that 95% of politicians are full of shit.  Many get involved and are not full of shit at first.  They have good intentions and want to help.  But the more power and, even worse, more perceived power that a person has is directly proportional to how much they are full of shit.  The more power or perceived power, the more shit.

Negative ads are when the politicians show us their true selves. The ads show us that politicians want us to like them so much, that they are willing to attack another person's reputation, values, and personal hygiene, without considering the fact that their opponents are human beings with families and feelings.  Then after spewing hate in angry fonts and low voiced announcers they have the balls to say, "I approve this message."

"My opponent literally farted on the elderly in 1992 and has used your tax dollars to build illegal immigrant hooker mosques next to elementary schools. I'm Doug Wilson and of course I approve this message."

After negative ad season and the election, the winner heads to Congress to do very little and then get elected to do it all again.  Enjoy this time of year while it lasts.  Then on November 2nd go and vote for the meanest candidate.


I made this in high school and attacked Steve's bowling skills.  In fairness, Steve still can't bowl.

Predictions About The Future

It is funny when you read a book or watch a movie that made predictions about what the world would be like in 20 years.  1984 said that we would be in perpetual war with Big Brother watching.  The third Planet of the Apes movie said that in 1983 all dogs and cats would be dead, and by 1991 ape slavery would lead to the great ape rebellion.  Minority Report  predicted that in 2002, a Tom Cruise film about precrime would make money.  These films took a chance on predicting what the world would be like in the near future.  Now I would like to share with you my thoughts.

I've consulted my astrology chart so my predictions are pretty accurate.  Come with me in a time machine through text, all the way to the future: the Year 2034.

In 2034, all children will have a nice tan.  It will be a combination of many interracial marriages and a massive hole in the ozone layer that burns all the white people.  Everyone will dress like Lady Gaga until society realizes that it's really really stupid.  The most popular male name will be Zorgon and the most popular female name will be Karen.  Nobody will name their child Cody.

2034 will also mark the first time a puppet became self aware.  He will be a charismatic puppet named "Archie" and with a small group of followers he will get the first Puppet Bill of Rights signed into law by President Bristol Palin.  He will later overdose on pain pills and cookies.

The most powerful country in the world will be Lithuania because they will develop a car that can run on their leading export: sadness.  Renewable sadness cars will put Lithuania on the map, though the map will be different of the map of today.  Chile will have separated from South America and join with Haiti.  This makes donating much easier.

Pot will be legal and Fun Size candies will be illegal.  Pants will be tighter and made of metal.  Dental hygiene will be obsolete as everyone replaces their teeth with diamonds or amethyst for poor people.  Soup will be available in a cold variety and males and females will be completely hairless due to extensive cellphone radiation.  The board game Jumanji will have a virtual edition that is not suitable for children under 8.

A new strain of virus will break out that will leave its victims thinking they can breathe underwater.  By the time they realize they can't, it will already be too late.  This is how the human race will end.

Have a great day!

Recent Realizations

-When your brother isn't in the country, everything that he owned now belongs to his sibling.
-The best trilogies of all time are Jackass, The Matrix, Back to the Future, and Honey I Shrunk the Kid.
-Cheese, especially when melted, makes almost every food better.
-As of today this blog has 1,178 views.
-In five days it will be inappropriate to say I Love Boobies.
-I want breakfast sausage.
-My dog actually likes wearing a cone on her head.
-Despite repeated attempts to learn the Banjo, I've learned that it is an annoying instrument.
-I believe that the planet is most likely to be overrun with apes, then robots, then zombies, and lastly ape robots.
-You can't always get what you want.
-Just because the elderly can drive, doesn't mean they should.
-It's lonely at the top.. and the bottom.
-Al Gore has been missing for a while.
-I can accidently physically hurt myself while raking leaves.
-The black guy usually dies first.
-Me and my Johnson: A way of life for over 50 years.

Brett Favre's Guide to Photography

Today's guest columnist is Brett Favre.  While I don't generally have a guest blogger, I had no ideas today and Brett offered to help.  Take it away Brett.

Thanks, Joe.  When I'm off the field, I have a passion for photography.  I truly can't get enough of setting up various shots and then sharing the pictures with friends, family, and occasionally former New York Jets co-workers.  I have a few tips for making your photos better than you thought that they could ever be.

1. Know your medium

When I first experimented with photography I did not consider the medium.  What I mean by medium is how your snapshot will be seen.  Is it going to be a massive photograph or a little blip on a cell phone screen.  Knowing this will help you choose your camera and how you want to set up your shot.

2. Subject

After you know your medium, you need to have something to take a picture of.  For beginners, I recommend something still that you will have complete control over.  The more comfortable and familiar you are with the object the better.  Make it unique.  Take a picture of something that not everyone has seen that is uniquely you.

3. Scale

It is important to set up something in the picture that will show your viewer how big something is.  A good photographer can trick the viewer into believing that something is quite large or quite small.  For example a quarter next to an object will show how big a thing is in relation to that quarter.  "Wow that thing is equivalent in size to 11 quarters!"  The smart photographer also knows that having a smaller trick quarter can make things look bigger.  "I would never have guessed it was that big but there is a quarter right next to it so it must be [that big]!"

4. Lighting

Lighting is important for maintaining accurate color.  For skin tones, shadows can provide a creepy effect or make wrinkles more pronounced.  The older you get, the more care you want to take because you always want to display your object in the best light.

5. Depth of field

Wikipedia says that depth of field is "the portion of a scene that appears acceptably sharp in the image."  By mastering depth of field, you can make an object appear to come at you by making part of it in focus and part of it out.

It's hard to tell exactly how far this wall goes on for.

6. Practice

I didn't get to be Brett Favre just by doing nothing.  I had to work hard.  Oftentimes when I'm alone I will photograph whatever is around.  Sometimes it is something I'm holding.  Sometimes it's an activity that I'm doing.  Sometimes it's a freaky combination of the two.  The point is practice in a variety of different positions and with or without the lights on.

7. Feedback

When you think you have a picture worthy of critique, it is time to show it to the world. Some people would display their photographs and invite people to see them if they so desire but I'm much more forward.  I send my photos directly to people that I think want to see them.  I go through my phone and address books, deciding who would appreciate the nuances and subtly of the picture.  Then I force it on them to get their true reactions.  Don't get discouraged.  Some people will not appreciate your art.  They may think it's harassment and not something a married man should do.  Screw 'em.  You are Brett Favre.  You can do whatever you want.

There you have it.  It's not hard unless you want it to be (hard).  Enjoy this picture of my balls.

Phelps Supreme Court Case

I took one semester of journalism law so I'm an expert on free speech.  I am also an expert on the Phelps family.  I got to see them in person when they rode into Des Moines.  I had the courage to look them right in the spot where their eyes should have been and ask the tough questions.

This is when he shared an excellent recipe for homemade gingersnaps.

Now the Phelps folks have been taken to the supreme court after they were sued by the father of a dead soldier.  It was on March 10, 2006 at U.S. Marine Lance Corporal Matthew Snyder's funeral that they protested gays in the military.  They did this even though Snyder was not gay.  This may seem strange but I have a theory.


My theory behind this protest is that with the 2005 release of Brokeback Mountain, Phelps became outraged that his favorite style of hat was now being placed on top of men who were occasionally placed on top of other men.  It was truly a huge blow by the gay community to Fred Phelps' tender head.  It was soon after that Phelps became a gay icon and sex symbol.  Phelps needed to assert his true sexuality to the world because he was tired of the constant voice mails left by Neil Patrick Harris.  It was then that he increased his protesting to even protest non-gay military funerals.  Phelps went to his closet and got all of his specially made signs and shortly thereafter came out of that closet with his rainbow colored signs to prove he wasn't gay.

I can't tell them apart.

The supreme court case is a "delicate test between the privacy rights of grieving families and the free speech rights of demonstrators, however disturbing and provocative their message. Several states have attempted to impose specific limits on when and where the church members can protest." Via CNN


This case will not be an easy one to decide.  I would simply like to remind the Supreme Court that they should not be too restrictive in the ruling on the Phelp's case.  Protests and gatherings should still be allowed at funerals.  Free speech needs to prevail. This way, when Fred Phelps and his crazy family die, I can have a big party at their funerals.  There will be shirtless dudes playing volleyball, chicks making out, and a performance by the cast of Glee.  It's what Fred would have wanted.

Goal Setting: A Key to Any Unemployed Fellow

I'm the kind of guy that likes to set goals.  Through my rigorous goal setting, I push myself to be a better human and inspire children with my greatness.  Today is an example of another triumph for Joe Barlow and goals.

I have accomplished 2 goals this week, both long term and quite challenging.  The first goal was a goal that I just finished today.  It began back in 2003.  I was a sophomore in high school and a newbie to goal setting.  I had tried and failed at many goals including getting washboard abs and becoming a performer at Sea World (not a trainer, an actual seal.)  I was down from my failures but not out, as I settled on a different goal.  

Some of my friends talked about a show that I had occasionally seen reruns of on the tv.  From what I saw the show appeared to be funny, but I wanted to see it from the beginning and learn the characters and classic story lines.  The show was Seinfeld and here I am approximately 7 years after I set out to see every episode, with a big pile of success in my pants.

This may not seem significant, but in reality it is a marvelous feat.  First, we must remember that Seinfeld ran for 9 seasons and 180 episodes.  The episodes were all 22 minutes for a total of 3960 minutes.  I checked out the DVDs from the library, so there was a waiting period and I was at school for 8 months for four of the years.  So I crammed in 9 years worth of a television show into about 4 years.  Does this make me cool or pathetic?  All I know is it makes me an achiever of goals.

The other goal involves beer.  I started my final year of college suddenly being able to purchase and consume alcohol.  I walked into the formerly forbidden freezer and became overwhelmed with the selection and prices of the various beers.  There were light 24 packs and dark 30 packs.  There were silver bullets and hipster's delights.  As I scanned the freezer my eyes were drawn to the golden beacon provided by the Miller High Life box.  The can proudly proclaimed that this was the "Champagne of Beers.  Because I was classy, I decided to go with the beer that royalty definitely consumed.  Already satisfied with a wonderful product, I became overjoyed when I discovered that my loyalty to this product would yield rewards beyond my wildest dreams.  It was at that point that I set a new goal: to get enough High Life points to get the most beautiful sweatshirt I had ever set my eyes upon.

People laughed and said it couldn't be done.  The sweatshirt required 5300 points.  A thirty pack of cans was worth 300 points and a twelve pack of bottles was worth 120 points.  Over the past year I (or a friend that gave me his code) entered the codes of 15 thirty packs and 5 twelve packs.  This means that the total cost of the sweatshirt is about $270.  Is this a poor investment or another victory for goals?  I'll let you decide.

Top Eight Greatest Jobs in the World

These are the jobs that I'm hoping to get.

1. Game Show Host
This is the ideal job. People freak out when they get to be on tv and they freak out even more when they win thousands of dollars in cash and prizes.  For some reason they treat the host as if the host was responsible.  The host is their billionaire friend that just likes to share his wealth in the form of weekend getaways and new dinning room sets.  All they have to do is play his little games.  The best part is that even when the contestants lose they are still happy to have played.  Also there are models. Lots of models.

Some shows even number their models!

2. Rocket Scientist
If you want to win all arguments about physics, become a rocket scientist. "I bet I can toss this rock approximately 100 feet straight into the air."  "What are you a rocket scientist?" "Actually yes." "Oh."  You can also trivialize every other occupation and activity any time you want.  All you need to remember is to belittle you friends and neighbors by saying, "Well, this sure isn't rocket science."  Then laugh wildly.

3. Fireman
No one in the history of the planet has ever disliked a fireman because of something they did on the job.  Cops occasionally shoot people or racially discriminate but firemen are real life super heroes, only doing good.  There would be countless cat carcasses in our trees and mountains of ash in our neighborhoods were it not for firemen.  You can also slide down a pole.

4. Rapper
Rap music does something to people's bodies that I can barely comprehend.  Through beats and clever wordplay, rappers make women's bodies (especially their butts) lose control.  From what I've been told, violent shaking and thrusting breaks out at many rap concerts.  Rappers also have cool names and clothes.  I wonder if there are any open positions.

5. Baseball Player
I really hate baseball.  It's boring and my nacho cheese has been cold on more than one occasion.  It turns out that the things that make me not like baseball make it a great job.  It is slow paced, you get to wear a hat, and many of the members use steroids.  Not to mention you get to adjust yourself more than would seem necessary.  If you make one good play a game then you could make Sportscenter.

6. Plus Size Model
Plus size models get all the pros of being a model without the added hassle of diet and exercise.  Instead they can focus on their poses and what they are ordering for lunch.

7. Fox News Host
Do you have a mouth?  Do you like to yell over people and say things that don't have to be true?  Do you want a lot of viewers?  Then you probably already know that you are perfect for Fox News.  You don't need to prepare a "script" or show "respect" to your "guests".  All you have to do is open your mouth and see what comes out.  Glenn Beck does it everyday, and he's famous.

Don't tell anyone that it isn't actually news.

8. Stay at Home Dad
Dad's sometimes get a bad rap for being absent or not caring about their children.  What better way to show how great you are by making it your full time commitment?  Let your wife worry about money while you organize carpool schedules and nail appointments.  While the kids are at school you can write in you "Adventures in Daddy-dom" blog and vacuum.

"I love being a dad!"

I think I blew it.

I've had a lot of awkward phone conversations.  Some would say it's what I do best.  Generally my most awkward of conversations via the telephone are with attractive girls or the poison control center, but today it was with a person that I hoped to one day call my boss.

The job seemed perfect for me.  The title was "Creative Services" and the job description required a candidate who could " write, shoot and edit video" with "knowledge of Photoshop and non-linear editing" being a "definite plus".  All things which I do quite well (if I do blog so myself.)  At the interview, he told me that the job would require me to make three or four commercials a week for different clients.  I would be involved in all aspects of the production.  This job miraculously ties together all of my skills and interests into one perfect package.  Of course I would find a way to screw it up.

The interview went fairly well, I think.  It had more good interview signs than bad ones.  I thought that between my resume and my passable interview, I was on the fence.  He could choose to hire me or he could not depending on my competition.  I wanted him put me in the definitely hire pile, so today I did the follow up phone call.

I am not a phone call guy.  I don't chat.   Thank God there is texting and Facebook because I would have an even smaller social life than I do.  Because I know of this weakness, I decided to write myself a script to try to recite it to him over the phone.  I would use my acting skills to make it appear that I was speaking from the heart.  Let's just say it didn't go that well.

My first call led me straight to the answering machine.  I, in my incredible stupidity, decided to not leave a message.  I wanted real human interaction because I was going to knock his socks off with my fantastically scripted yet heartfelt masterpiece of a follow up phone call.  

I waited ten minutes and called again.  I expected it to be the answering machine again and was startled to hear a human being.  How dare he not answer and then answer!  It almost gave me a heart attack.  

When I recovered, I already knew I was off to a bad start.  My voice was lower than normal and somehow my air passage had gotten smaller.  It was like asking the prettiest girl to go get ice cream with me.  I had flashbacks of Rocky Road and sitting on the bench oblivious to the glob of hot fudge there, then continuing the date with a brown streak connecting my two butt checks together on my light colored jeans.  Not an ideal situation to have in my head.

I tried to get back on track.  I was not expecting too many interruptions.  I had a couple places where I asked him a question.  Here again the savage beast attacked me at a point when I hadn't expected it.  In my script I was supposed to say "I know you were doing your last interview today and I just wanted to  tell you that I’m very excited about this job."  It seemed simple enough but then he interrupted me right after I said "last interview today" to tell me that he actually had a few more this week.  This interruption caused me to panic.  I was suddenly in the middle of a sentence and had nowhere to go.  Acting quickly, in shear terror, I said the thing that came into my head first. "Oh."  This only bought me a moment to collect my thoughts.  I quickly changed my sentence to "Well, I know you are finishing up interviews this week" but then when I got to "I'm very excited about the job" I don't think I sold it.  The stress and pressure and the idea of more competition left me a nervous shaking rat-boy with no confidence and sweat slowly gathering on his pointed nose.

To finish up I basically rushed through the rest.  I think I failed on excitement, sincerity, professionalism, and just saying words.  There was one point where I was in the middle of a word and it just didn't finish itself.  I had to use my hand to physically force air out of my diaphragm and quietly end the sentence.  Then I used a nearby chip bag to make it appear that the call was breaking up. 

I thanked him, said goodbye, and immediately hit the showers.  If I get this job it would be a miracle.  I'll find out on Friday. 

A Plea for Nudity

We have grown up in a society where certain practices and behaviors are socially encouraged or discouraged.  Some behaviors are deemed acceptable in certain places but not in others.  For example, lighting a cigarette in a certain part of a restaurant is unacceptable, but in another part it is fine and in no way will affect the future health of the other patrons.

Nudity, in the United States, is considered unacceptable in most locations.  I believe that this is a mistake that can easily be solved: more public nudity.

Nudity and the public have a fascinating history.  From the first Olympics to Janet Jackson's left breast, nudity has come a long way.  We are at the inexcusable point where peeing can get you on the sex offenders list.

Interestingly, one of the few places nudity is allowed in in our public schools.  It begins with a scientific look at the human body.  Bodily functions and healthy habits were taught at a young age.  Muscles and lettuce were favored over flab and chicken nuggets.  We learned the different muscle groups and were publicly humiliated when we could only do one pull up in front of the entire gym class while Stephanie, who is a foot taller than you, can do five.  Nudity becomes very important when our bodies started to change.  Changing for gym class got weird as some kids appeared to be a breed of half-wolf.  We spent some time in health class learning about why hair was appearing and that some of our voices would soon be getting into a Barry White register.

This is where the first reason public school nudity should be allowed comes in to play: saving time.  If all of the students had already identified the changes in some of the faster maturing kids, precious class time could be spent coloring or practicing cursive, instead of learning about stuff that still makes me giggle.

That is another excellent reason.  People won't giggle when they hear their teacher say "penis" or "testes".  (Maybe not for testes. That is pretty funny.)

Perhaps the greatest reason is the effect it will have on the health of our country.  Obesity is a huge problem and if the citizens know that they have to be seen naked in front of their friends and coworkers, they will be happy to exercise and eat lots of fiber.

All of this is in addition to some of the smaller reasons: consensus on acceptable pubic hair amount, no class distinctions, fun parties, less itch, and gentle cooling breezes.

I will acknowledge the potential problems.  1. Perverts.  Perverts are probably the biggest reason to not have nudity in public, but in this country, if we let perverts stop us from living a free and beautiful life then the terrorists win.  2. Clean.  Imagine this, the critics will say.  Timmy goes to his naked public school and sits at one desk and then the teacher changes the seating chart.  Now everyone is sharing chairs and spreading whatever was going on around their butt region.  It is a nightmare.  My solution is simple.  We can use the same technology that crafted toilet seat covers to develop a regular seat cover.  It would be made of the same incredible fibers that protect in the bathroom, one of the dirtiest places imaginable next to the Playboy mansion.  It would be essentially the same but with no hole in the middle.  It would protect our bodies and strengthen our flimsy tissue paper industry.  3. Don't want to see that.  Sure it will be great seeing some people naked.  Some people take very good care of themselves and have beautiful orange spray tanned skin.  On the other hand, there are also elderly and family members.  While it is not ideal to see these people out in the open, we need to allow it.  My plan calls for a 5 year process which gradually allows you to slip out of those clothes.  Immediately we start with good looking women.  Then in year two we move to good looking men.  Then in year three we add everyone in their 20s.  Year four it's people in their 30s and 40s.  Year five is everyone.  The five year plan allows us to work our way into being comfortable with nudity.

There is a reason that nudists exist.  Maybe we should stop judging and dry-heaving every time we look at them. Instead we should join them and celebrate our individuality and our freedom.  Let's make our private parts public.

Please email this to your local representative and demand to see them naked.
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Halloween Costume Tips

I trick or treated all the way until I was a senior in high school, not because I was a disruptive trickster or a pumpkin smasher.  I did it because I really enjoyed candy and dressing up.  More than dressing up though, I like the costume idea.  The idea is essential.  I always shoot for a unique costume, that follows three rules.

1.  No face paint or masks
Face paint requires skills and time, two things which are rare for me everyday, but especially on Halloween.  Paint also smudges and gets on clothes.  While masks provide a consistent excellent looking costume, you end up with a runny nose and no one can appreciate you because you could be anyone. (SIDE NOTE: Masks are great for after the big Halloween party when you are vandalizing your neighbors yard.  Or if you have a generally ugly face.)

The only exception to the face paint rule.

2.  Nothing Nice
I own two tuxedos, and the thought has definitely crossed my mind to wear one for an easy and attractive costume.  The occasion to wear a tux is rare so why not wear it for Halloween?  The problem is that by the end of the night your costume will be covered in one of the following: a) melted chocolate, b) vomit, or c) unknown greenish substance.  The dry cleaning bill and the confusion about the greenish substance is enough for me to say no to looking good.  (SIDE NOTE: This rule also applies to costly costumes.  I made the mistake of buying the officially licensed Austin Powers costume in 7th grade. Never again.)

Brad Pitt just doesn't get it.

3. Go to Jail Rule
Perhaps the most important rule is to ask yourself this question: if I go to jail in this costume, will I get shanked.  On a night of mischief and pumpkin wine, jail is a good possibility.  Do you want to be someone's bitch or not?  Follow the simple figure below.

There you go.  Hopefully these tricks and tips will will provide you with plenty of treats

*For girls costumes are simple: show everything but nipple.
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When did I become a Desperate Housewife?

Many people dread turning into their parents.  They find themselves doing some act or habit and by that point it's too late.  They have already made the disgusting irreversible transformation.  Generally you would expect sons to become their fathers and daughters to become their mothers, but sometimes, in rare cases, sons become mothers.  In my case, I have become a desperate housewife.

I should have seen it coming.  It starts with watching The View, and ends with a sickening complete metamorphosis.  Somehow I went into my unemployment cocoon a sweet dude of a caterpillar and I will leave a nurturing breasted butterfly.  Let me explain.

The day started like any other.  I woke up, ate two tamales, and put the dog out.  I did my hair and nails and went to the library.  When I got back I played with the dog and her first tooth fell out.  I smiled happily as if the dog were my own child.  I got to thinking that dogs grow up so fast.  I saved the tooth in an envelope for Stella's scrapbook that I am creating with stationary and plenty of inspirational stickers.

Then I made a meatloaf and became upset when my parents came home late.  Couldn't they at least call?  How hard is it to let somebody know?  Why do we spend good money on cell phones if we don't even use them?  I mean, hello?

Then I curled up with some Pistachio Pistachio ice cream and watched my Sex and the City dvd set.

* Author's Note: Only 5 of the above details are true.  Feel free to guess in the comments section!

The Complete History of Ridged Potato Chips

I was recently impressed with the deliciousness of Jay's Curly Waves and it got me thinking: who came up with the ridged potato chip?  Of course I went to the most reliable source available: Wikipedia.  Some people (like me) say that Wikipedia contains a vast, comprehensive range of information.  From a list of fictional ducks to Gullah Gullah Island trivia, surely there is nothing that escapes Wikipedia.  Or so I thought.

On the potato chip page, there was simply talk about the creation of the standard potato chip and it didn't even differentiate between standard and ridged.  Let me say that again in italics: they don't even differentiate between standard and ridged.  In fact, it will probably shock you (as it certainly did with me) that there is not even a mention of ridged chips on the page!  (They do however, have a whole section devoted to seasoned chips.  They also mention Potato Sticks, Pringles, and corn chips.)  I was shocked, outraged, disgusted, and still covered in salt from my earlier snack.

My first thought was to assume that there is some kind of large government conspiracy to cover up for the missing information about this popular potato product's past.  That's why I made up this history of the first ridged potato chip.

==

Ridged Potato chips (Known as chips by most normal English speaking countries; or crisps in places with accents) are thin slices of potato that are deep fried and ridgy.

NASA began development on a chip with a better crunch and a more satisfying chewing experience in the early-mid afternoon on January 16, 1958.  It was really a response to the Soviet space program's launch of the world's first artificial ridged potato chip (Spudnik 1) on October 16, 1957.  

President Dwight D. Eisenhower and his advisers counseled more deliberate measures.  On April 12, 1958, NASA organized a "Special Committee on Tater Technology", headed by Peppy Langs.  Langs was fondly referred to as the "Master Tater" because it rhymed with a different activity that Langs was caught in the middle of quite a few times at his desk.  The first few attempts created "lumpy" chips and chips that resembled Jesus.

Eisenhower's Guilty Pleasure

Finally, with Lang's help, and guidance from Pope James "Jay" IV, a new standard was set in Potato Chipdom, that would not be equaled until 1997 and the release of Doritos 3D's Zesty Ranch.

After the success of both the ridged chip and the chocolate chip, Vice President Richard Nixon ordered a hybrid creation that ultimately ended in gagging and forever tarnished the impeccable reputation of the highly liked and respected vice president.^{[citation needed]}

Worst Cartoonist in the History of Pens

I was going to make an elaborate blog today about how my dream job was to become a political cartoonist.  I spent a lot of time drawing up some political cartoons when suddenly it struck me that a) I didn't ever want to be a political cartoonist, b) the cartoons weren't funny, and c) I can't draw at all.  This seems like a stupid thing for a person with my skills and interests to want to blog about.

But because I spent all the time trying and failing to be a cartoonist, I have uploaded a couple cartoons.  Please note that these are the best that I did, which should tell you that the worst are truly terrible.  I will be setting them on fire soon.

This is supposed to be Obama

This is supposed to be funny.

I'm pathetic.

Applying for jobs is expensive

It's the old catch 22 of the job applying game.  You want money, so you want a job.  Unfortunately there is a cost involved.  I was stunned to realize how much money I have spent on applying for jobs.


Before I break everything down below I need to tell you what is expected for the jobs I am applying for.  I have been applying for tv reporter jobs.  For these types of jobs you send you DVD, resume, and cover letter to the various tiny stations that have open positions.  I'm not talking about Chicago or Milwaukee.  I'm talking about tiny stations in towns nobody has heard of.  Sometimes stations provide an e-mail address so you can send them a link to your videos.  The numbers below are for places that I have mailed applications to and do not include jobs I have applied for via e-mail. 

I was taught to always show my work.

That's a lot of money.  I could have done something cool with that like buy a 34 inch Yemenite Shofar


On the bright side, I learned I can still do addition, multiplication, and long division.

Mosque at Ground Zero

I am surprised that this issue is still being talked about.  68% of Americans and 53% of New Yorkers oppose the building of the mosque at ground zero.  I will now settle the argument once and for all.

A quick summary of both sides of the debate are easily shown in the chart below.

As you can see each side makes compelling arguments but there is clearly only one winner: no mosque.  


Many people whine about how the Muslims have every right to build their mosque.  We have "amendments" and "legal protection" of minorities in this country.  "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."  That is from the first amendment, an amendment that some might argue is first because it is the most important.  However, I see it as being the first and therefore the most outdated of all the amendments.  It is about time we tossed out old amendments that we don't agree with at this exact moment.  If there's ever a time when a different religion (maybe Christianity?) needs protection we could always bring it back.  We shouldn't have to follow all the rules all of the time.  Rules are for pussies.


Sensitivity is key in this debate.  The fact is that building a mosque at ground zero is insulting and brings up painful memories.  There are just things that you don't do at certain places.  Memories hurt.  We all know that you wouldn't go to Pearl Harbor and eat sushi, wear an outfit made of vegetables to a Lady Gaga concert, or be Mexican anywhere in the United States unless you are insensitive.  Each of these instances makes Americans uncomfortable and the same goes with the ground zero mosque.

Some other whiners would also say that it is technically a cultural center and actually a two minute walk from ground zero.  Blah blah blah.  I don't care.  Other people would also nag and say that innocent Muslims were killed in the attacks of 9/11 too.  Yeah and your point is?

Now that I've settled this debate watch this video of Dan Rather on Letterman right after 9/11.  It has nothing to do with this debate, but in it he says, "It's a mistake to believe that this has anything to do with the Islamic religion."  I sure don't know what he's talking about but it is a good interview.



Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoAOKX0deDA
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2ocnOqUuGM&feature=related
Part 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hUQ9J07lWg&feature=related

Salty Nuts

I am the kind of person that is happy to share my opinion.  I complain if I am dissatisfied with a service or product and I also won't shut up if I really enjoy something.  For this reason, I have frequently sent letters of compliment and complaint to various companies.  Now that I have a lot of free time, I can write to them more frequently.

I have recently come to the realization that there is no way to compliment a company on how much you appreciate their nuts without sounding insane or sick.  The following letter was submitted to the Frito Lay company.

Dear Frito-Lay,
I am a recent graduate who recently has had quite a lot of time off for what I like to call an "extended indefinite summer vacation."  It hasn't been a very exciting vacation for me as I haven't really gone anywhere but fortunately my taste buds experienced an extra special, all expenses paid trip to Delicious-Town courtesy of your nuts, specifically your Deluxe Mixed Nuts.  I was at a gas station/Subway restaurant outside of Grinnell, Iowa and after enjoying a 6 inch Chicken Bacon Ranch Sub on Wheat bread, I found that I needed a little something extra.  I scanned the aisles of the gas station but was disappointed with the selection.  Frustration was setting in as the perfect companion to my sub was yet to be found.  Just as I turned to leave my eyes settled on a rack displaying your nuts.  I must admit that at first I was skeptical.  I had seen the word "Deluxe" put on packages where the nuts clearly were not "deluxe" and some would even say mediocre at best.  I also assumed that a nut was a nut and fancy packaging was the only thing that made these nuts special.  I was wrong.

I know that I run the risk of sounding perverted or like this is some sort of joke but the following description is real and heartfelt.  The first thing that I noticed and again, I am NOT a sex criminal, is the size of the nuts.  In the past, I had purchased Eileen's mixed nuts, sold in southern Wisconsin, and your nuts, particularly the walnuts (or maybe they were pecans I'm not sure) and the Brazil nuts.  I was certainly impressed and was now excited to enjoy them.  When I bit them, they were also a lot easier to chew than other brands that I have tried.  Sometimes almonds and Brazil nuts are tough to bite and hurt my teeth, but there was a softness to your nuts that surprised me.  The most important thing to me, though, was the flavor, and they didn't disappoint.  I couldn't believe it but for whatever reason, your nuts were the best I have ever had.  I am used to purchasing and consuming plain unsalted nuts from the baking aisle at the grocery store and the idea of highly salted nuts was not appetizing.  That is truly my only criticism.  I would appreciate an unsalted version.

Regardless, of this minor problem they were truly worthy of the name "Deluxe" and were the best nuts that I have ever eaten.

Do they come in a larger package or can I somehow buy them in bulk?  $1.99 for a small pouch is on the expensive side. 

Thank for your product and I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,
Joe Barlow

Here is the response I received (Click to enlarge):

I also received 3 coupons for 55 cents off of Frito Lay products.

I'm not a pervert.

A Response to Rolling Stone Magazine

I subscribe to Rolling Stone magazine.  With its East Coast elitism and left-leaning liberalism, I generally enjoy reading and tend to agree with its contents.  Some of the best and thought provoking articles that I have read were in Rolling Stone.  Here are a couple that I managed to find on the internet: Sex, Lies and Phys Ed and The Fort Carson Murder Spree.  Both of these articles made me think about issues that I hadn't given much thought.  They are really compelling stories and I highly recommend reading them when you have a chance.

Despite my enjoyment, I have a problem with one article.  It was in a recent issue and it talked about "mindless summer entertainment" and included attacks against the incredibly popular and fantastic ABC show, Wipeout.  If you haven't seen this non-Emmy award winning program, here is all you need to know.



Sure Wipeout is cheap to make and requires an intelligence that even Bob Sagat snickers at.  Sure the announcers are really annoying and each episode is basically the same.  These things do not matter.  The real question is how does it make the audience feel?  As a member of the audience and a mouthpiece for unemployed Americans, I can proudly say that we need shows like Wipeout.  I can watch as contestants are beaten to the gentle ambiance of fake sound effects.  They are whacked and attacked by moving walls, spinning paddles, and also most frequently, their own stupidity.  Rolling Stone, do not touch my guilty pleasure.  Wipeout is essentially the American Dream with red pads and pain.  It sends a message to the kids that if you get knocked down, get up again.  It also reminds us that in America, if you work hard and don't give up, you can be on a crappy tv show for a couple of minutes. 

God Bless America and fat people getting hit with stuff. It makes me feel better about myself.