I'm so over babies. What have babies ever contributed to society? They don't have jobs, they don't wear pants, and they don't appreciate grammar. Babies also can’t walk, think, or even hold down milk. Why does milk always seem to burst forth like highly pressurized milk cannons whenever I am holding a baby? It really isn’t that hard. They also can’t hold in potty. It is remarkable that parents will take the time to get them through this stage of life.
Because babies are so useless, I've created a list of ways to use your baby or even the baby of a stranger, for personal gain. The free ride is over babies. It's time to work.
1. Monkey Stunt Double
So you are making a high budget action movie and you have a stunt that is too dangerous for your leading monkey? No problemo. Hot glue some fur to a baby and let them ride the motorcycle into the burning building. It they have trouble with balance, use green training wheels and use computer graphics to take them out in post. Computer graphics have come a long way but they still can't convincingly create a monkey riding a motorcycle into a burning building. Until that time, furry babies are the only option.
2. Model
Is there anything more adorable than a baby in a bikini? How about a full calendar full of bikini babies? This means that at every photo shoot audition, there is a 1 in 12 chance your baby will be in the calendar (or something like that). Those are good odds. REMEMBER: there is no such thing as a baby showing too much skin. It is only a recent phenomenon that children wear clothing. Why do you think Andrew Jackson's nickname was "Old Hickory"?
3. Baby Food Eater
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| I've never seen turkey that color. Or consistency. |
Have you ever seen or smelled baby food? It is disgusting. No matter what the jar claims to contain, there is always a dirty yellow pudding-like substance inside. Nobody in their right mind would want to consume this garbage except babies. They'll put anything in their mouths.
4. Boob Job
I think I saw on Dr. Oz that babies sometimes drink milk that comes out of women's breasts. I know it sounds unbelievable but he's a doctor and probably knows. Apparently, the milk makes the boobs grow. That means as long as the baby is hungry, mommy's ta-tas will be full. And I will be happy.
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| These used to be bras. |
5. Chimney Sweep
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| He's already too old. |
Far too often chimneys get dirty and need to be cleaned. Yes, we have long sticks with brushes on the end, but that's not getting the deep clean that we need. Small baby hands and bodies can get into every nook and cranny and makes sure that your chimney is super clean. This is also why babies are good for enemas.
6. Cat Wrangler
Cats are practically wild animals. I know they defecate in a box, but that is the only tame aspect of their behavior. The rest of the time they are licking, hissing, and silently judging humans. They need to be taught some respect. Babies are perfect because they can easily ride cats. I've recently learned that full grown adults should not try to ride cats. Babies on the other hand, can. It will take a little practice or some duct tape, but soon it will be a beautiful sight. Babies are effective trainers because they aren't afraid to pull out clumps of fur or smack cats in the face. Babies are very mean. You also don't need to buy a saddle because diapers are pretty padded.
Turn your babies into babie$ today!
