Do Pants Make the Man?: The Objectification of my Buns

I got some new pants. They aren't really anything special.  They are khakis and they were on sale.  Normally I don't put a lot of thought into pants.  About 50% of the pants I own were bought by my mother when she found them on clearance

Not this time, sister.  These pants fit me like a tailor had spent hours adjusting and readjusting them to emphasize my curves in the right places.  Until this point in my life, I had assumed I was like most white men my age, buttless and pale.  The pale part still applies but with these new pants my buns are practically on parade.  It's like two symmetrical jello molds were shoved back there.  I don't even need to buy a Booty Pop.  I'm not trying to brag but these pants have given me the confidence and the ultimate lift that I have been waiting for.

After wearing the pants in public, I could tell suddenly that the opposite sex took special notice of me.  I was no longer ordinary, librarian, nice guy, undesirable, Joe; I was masculine, tough, lumberjack, sexual, Joe.  My ass became the pied piper and all women within the county became rats following my magic flute.  Women threw themselves at me, with comments like, "Me likey" and "hooooya".  Some just drooled and made a guttural hiss  I must say, at first I enjoyed the attention.  I flirtatiously winked and promised to call these hoards of women.  Then later I still enjoyed the attention.

It seemed that everywhere I looked the eyes were not connecting with mine.  Instead they were locked on the target: my caboose.  I jokingly told them that my eyes were up here but even after my gentle reminders they couldn't help themselves.  The women were hypnotized by my soft padded milky cheeks.  You may think that I would get tired of being regarded as only a piece of meat, but I was happy to be noticed.  The drooling was really gross but that is really my only complaint.

The power that lies within my pants is greater than I ever anticipated.  I now refuse to sit on my butt.  Instead I kneel or lean on my side.  I can't afford to damage my goods.  They could be the key to my future employment.