Why I Believe That Woman Should Have the Right to Vote

In some ways, our society is quite advanced.  We have cell phones, iPads, and high fructose corn syrup right at our fingertips.  We also put a man on the moon and elected our first old vice president.  Despite these incredible triumphs of human spirit and food, woman’s voices remain unheard.  I think we should allow women to vote.

Currently, women’s voices are heard in very few places: the kitchen, the laundry room, and daytime talk shows.  Occasionally, women will let others know if they think that top is cute.  That’s about it.  Quite frankly, this is not enough, and women deserve better.  

I know this is a tough argument to make.  Looking back on history, we can see that many of the great minds were, in fact, men.  Thomas Jefferson, Bill Gates, and Eleanor Roosevelt are just a few male thinkers who have changed the world.  Whilst this is true, we also need to consider another thing: Adolf Hitler, Sadam Husein, and Tony Danza were also men.  As you can see, I made a list of three good men and then an equal length list of three evil men.  This simply proves that any argument presented in list form must be thrown away.

This brings me to my second argument.  Despite overwhelming scientific evidence that men’s brains are bigger, this may not be true.  Quite frequently women outperform and consistently do better than me on Jeopardy.  As the world standard of intelligence, Jeopardy represents the peak of human knowledge.  I know Alex Trebek is a male but he is simply reading cue cards, and as Jay Leno has proven, even monkeys can do that.  Women also can generally do more pushups than me.

My final argument (and strongest point) for women’s voting rights is Julie Andrews.  If you have ever heard her voice in Mary Poppins or The Sound of Music then your heart has already melted.  The power of her voice has healed the sick and caused mountains to puke.  She inspires everyone who hears her to be a better person.  She also hangs out with some tough “Chim-un-ney” Sweeps.  This is why we need her on our side.  I cannot imagine the destruction and devastation that would occur if Julie Andrews suddenly became upset.  All I know is Julie Andrews needs to remain happy.  We can do this by allowing her and all women the right to vote.

In conclusion, women are just like men, except for their fondness of low fat yogurts.

Seafood

I have been criticized in the past for not liking seafood.  "WHAAAA" they squeal in a high pitched voice when I firmly say I don't want the catfish.  They become angry  "How can you NOT like catfish?"  Hopefully this post will save me from future discussions about what foods I like.

Reason 1:  Taste

I do not find it unreasonable for this to be a key point as to why I don't like fish.  Seeing as food products are generally put into our mouths where our tongues relay complex information to our brains that determine whether we like the flavor of something, I think really personal preference in taste should be the only reason necessary.  Unfortunately this is usually not good enough for the fish consumers and I have to continue to reason number two.


Reason 2: Look at them

Catfish

Salmon

Cod

Are you kidding me?  These things are gross.  The Catfish looks high, the Salmon has a big nose, and the Cod has a slimy face and a big disgusting eye.  Appetizing? No.  Sorry PETA but I'd much rather eat this.

Reason 3: Fish Swim in Shit

It's a fact of life.

Reason 4: The Gorton's Fisherman Looks Like Alec Baldwin

I checked the Gorton's website to do research for this blog and I quickly discovered that the guy looks strangely like Alec Baldwin (at a minimum Steven).

I don't want Alec Baldwin preparing my food.


Those are my reasons.  Let me eat normal things, like bacon.

National Singles Week

Some of you may know we are right in the midst of National Singles Week, a week in which the pathetic among us are for some reason celebrated.  For this week, I think there should be a law against facebook profile pictures where the happy couple are enjoying each other in some way.  The only way couples should be in each others profile pictures is if it is American Gothic style and one of them is holding a pitchfork.

My girlfriend and I

Anyway, I bring this up because I did something that I don't really want to confess.  I wanted to have something to write about for this week so I joined a matchmaking website.  I thought it might give me some funny material (and give me the opportunity to find my future wives.)

I didn't join eHarmony or Match.com.  Instead I thought that I should join the site with the most comic potential.  Therefore I joined CougarLife.com, the "premier online dating service that pairs women in their prime with younger men."  I am a young man looking for a wealthy woman in her prime, to fund my habits and not nag me to get a job.

When you join Cougar Life, there are only a few things you need to do.  First, you need to identify whether you are a cub or a cougar and the age range that you are interested in.  (I was pretty surprised/disturbed that the automatic age range was 35-65.  I don't think 64 year olds are cougars.)

Then to create an account all you need is your age (I said I was 23), body type, location, and a user name.  After careful consideration I decided on a name that would give me a competitive edge but also described me as a human being.  Thus I selected Cougar_Hunter.  Unfortunately this was already taken so I had to settle for Cougar_Hunter57. 


Looking around at the different profiles, I found many different things.  User names varied among the women. Some were funny (curves4dayz), some were dirty (hotpieceofass30), and some were completely innocent (collielover42 unless this is something perverted.)  The pictures were also intriguing.  Some women looked like porn stars and others looked like my friends mothers.  Some were really good looking and I wonder when that particular picture was taken.  


I've only been on for a couple of days and I've already received two messages from 2 different users.  I find this interesting because they only know my age, height, location, and that I hunt cougars.  Unfortunately I have to pay $29 for three months of full access to read the messages.


Maybe if I get a job and they get a sitter I can take them out to TGIFridays.

Walking the dog

Today I went for an afternoon stroll with my best friend.  We walked and she sniffed stuff while I breathed in the fresh September air.

Walking the dog is good for me.  I'm not just talking about the physical parts (although I do become quite winded if there is a slight slope), I am talking about the social aspects.  Walking the dog reaquaints me with normal society.  I walked past an elderly woman who was suspiciously out on her porch.  She greeted me as if I were any other ordinary person.  She didn't know my secret.  Another woman smiled as I walked past her minivan and said a kind "Hello".

When I'm walking the dog on a Sunday people assume that I am a nice person who has things to do during the week.  They don't know that I walk the dog every day at about the same time and it is a highlight to my life.

I also experienced the joy of youth.  As I walked, there were three kids racing on the sidewalk on their scooters.  One of the kids, a nerdy kid with glasses, happily exclaimed two things that actually made me laugh out loud and I am pretty sure he heard me.  I fear that these two things will not be funny if included in this blog but I will write the two quotes anyway.

In order to appreciate what the child said, I need to set it up properly.  The nerdy kid was racing two girls that were significantly smaller and younger looking than him.  He had the biggest smile on his face as he rode down the sidewalk at a speed which a grandmother could easily outrun.  First he said:

"So long suckers!"

This caught me completely off guard.  First, because he was taunting little girls and second because he used that exact phrase.  I did a small chuckle but it was his next proclamation that made me sputter at an embarrassingly loud level.

"I've never felt so alive!"

The way in which he said this was full of passion and pure joy.  I knew that in that moment, this exclamation was completely sincere.  He had never felt so alive.  Sure he was only probably 8 years old and he was going 1 mph, but it didn't matter.

I probably shouldn't have laughed so hard and long and loud.  Kids say the darndest things.  Especially when they are nerds.

A Short Piece of Fiction

Occasionally I need to leave the stubborn ugliness of reality and enter a world of my liking.  It is a world created entirely by me.  It's called my imagination.  Come with me won't you.  The fiction begins now.

~~

"Boy I sure enjoy working at my dream job!" Joe gleefully exclaimed as he arrived at his parking spot.  Everyone knew it was his spot because a solid gold nameplate proudly said "Joe Barlow's Spot."  Joe felt bad that the nameplate was gold.  There were many other important projects that the money could have gone towards, but Joe's coworkers loved him so much that they all chipped in to show their appreciation. 

Joe walked into the building and greeted the very attractive secretary, Veronica.  Veronica was beautiful but whenever she saw Joe, she couldn't speak.  Joe was so handsome, muscular, funny, successful, and kind that she got sweaty and just stuttered.

Joe walked into his large office and immediately took off his pants.  None of the other people at Joe's work could do such a thing.  They would be arrested and sued.  However when it came to Joe, his company wanted Joe to be as comfortable as possible so they let him do his work in a cushy bathrobe.

Joe helped himself to the fresh cheese tray that was always on his desk each morning and took a quick nap.  When he woke up it was lunch.  After eating the steak buffet and tipping his manservant Javier much more than 20%, Joe took another power nap.  When Joe woke up he got a quick massage and went home to his supermodel wife (who also has a great personality.)

The End

My Cheese

My wife

Simple Things

When you are as depressed and pathetic as I am, and as smelly and useless, you start to notice and appreciate the simple things in life.

I have recently been eating my sorrows away with a gallon of New York Vanilla ice cream.  I am not sure what makes it "New York" vanilla (although it did try to stab me.)  I will tell you that the simplicity and rich creamy flavor brings me to my senses.  New York Vanilla reminds me that life isn't a rat race and it doesn't even matter how much money you make or if you have a job.  What matters is eating the cheapest ice cream you can find, bought in a giant container to save a few cents.  Sure the large bucket takes up more space in your freezer but when you have consumed the creamy ice, you can put a little glitter on the bucket's exterior and suddenly you have a decorative bin to put all your rejection letters.

I am a changed man, and it didn't take Ben or Jerry to do it.

Life is about the simple things.

And glitter.

Simple.

Tweeting Celebrities

The title of this post may sound inappropriate to some loyal readers, but I assure you it's all in good fun.  Back in 2007, I did a little experiment.  Via facebook I poked Obama, Hillary, Giuliani, Edwards, Biden, Mitt Romney, and McCain.  I said that whoever poked me back first would be the person that I would vote for.  I only received one poke.

Unfortunately I have no idea what happened to Mr. Edwards.  Now that I have nothing better to do I decided to slightly change this old idea.  I decided to tweet different celebrities and see if they would respond.  I decided to pick one standard message and tweet all of the celebrities the same thing.  I figured that I would just keep it simple.  My message that I decided on is as follows:

i lost my remote control :( 

I must admit that this is not a true tweet.  I know exactly where my remote control is.  I usually don't let it out of my sight.  You should know I debated long and hard as to whether I should insert the unhappy face, but in the end I felt that it gave the message some appropriate emotion.

Now I will tell you the celebrities in the order that I think they will respond in.

1.  @ebertchicago (Roger Ebert) I think that Roger Ebert is a man of the people.  He cares about normal people's lives.  Roger Ebert knows better than anybody how important it is to have your remote nearby.  He's turned off so many movies, I've heard that he goes through 5 remotes per month.

2. @galifianakisz (Zach Galifianakis) Zach was a tough choice for number 2 but I figure he probably would have some kind of quick witty response.  He also probably remembers me from when I saw him live in Madison. (Jealous?)

3.  @kanyewest (Kanye West) Kanye is known for inserting himself into other people's business.  I have no doubts that he will respond.

4.  @ShawneyJ (Shawn Johnson) Shawn Johnson is an Olympian and an Iowan.  I lived in Iowa and I ran track in 6th grade.  We share a bond.

5.  @SenJohnMcCain (John McCain) John McCain probably loses shit like this all the time.

6.  @Oprah (Oprah Winfrey)  She probably has better stuff to do than respond, but imagine if she did.  Maybe I would get a car.

I will keep you updated as I receive the tweets.

My Brother is Leaving

We like to match

There is a bond that two brothers share that cannot be understood by people who don't have brothers.  A brother is a gift and a curse.  Brothers metaphorically push you to be a better person.  They push you to do things that maybe you were afraid to do. They also physically push you.  They push you into walls, large shrubs, and your household gas stove. 

I'd like to share a story about my brother, that actually makes me get a little teary.

I remember on my first day of kindergarten I was really afraid to go to my class.  I didn't know the building and I don't even think I wanted to get on the bus.  The one thing that gave me confidence was knowing that my brother would be there by my side, at least for a while.  He was a cool first grader, comfortable strolling the halls and smoking cigarettes.  (That's probably not true.)  When we arrived at school, John asked me a question which may seem insignificant but had an incredible effect on me and my future.  He asked if I wanted him to help me find my classroom.  This meant the world to a kid who was scared, tiny, and, quite frankly, strange looking.  I do not have a good memory and the mere fact that I remember this event shows its importance.  Had it not been for my brother, I might still be wandering the halls, looking for Mrs. Kufalk.

Now John is off to Africa to work for the Peace Corps for 2 years.  I knew on my first day of kindergarten that John would make an excellent man of peace.  He has a blog but who knows if they have computers in Africa (http://tamemeisce.wordpress.com/)

Goodbye, John and good luck.  Please bring me back a machete.

This was not staged at all

He is not technically qualified to do that

A dark time in our lives...

Sexual

Girl Drinks

Sometimes when I just want to relax after a long day of doing nothing, I like to have a responsible amount of some alcoholic beverages.  Yesterday with my dinner I enjoyed Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Let the laughter ensue. 

I don't understand why a man cannot enjoy a nice refreshing Mike's Hard or a Smirnoff or any "girl drink" without ridicule and humiliation (unless they are surprised and drink it on one knee.)  When did enjoying something that actually tastes good become not manly?  Fruity alcohol can be a nice change of pace from my usual bourbon on the rocks (I've never had that.)

Mike's Hard Lemonade is definitely for dudes.  First, it's was developed by a guy named Mike.  Girls aren't generally named Mike and even when they are they are probably lesbians.  (Nothing is more manly than lesbians.)  Second it is hard.  It's not Mike's soft or easy Lemonade.  It is Mike's HARD Lemonade.  Beginners should not even try this stuff with its 5% alcohol content (Bud Light has 4.2%).  Finally, Mike's Hard contains natural lemon flavors.  Everyone knows that lemons are sour and difficult to eat.

Hopefully next time you are confronted with the choice of manly or girly drinks you will say eff that and Make It Mikes.

Pupdate

It is time for a update on my puppy, Stella.  We got little Stella Barlow early in the summer and she quickly became my unpaid internship in dog training and adorability.  She taught me a lot about myself.  She taught me patience and  alerted me of my willingness to clean up warm feces.  She can be a lot to handle at times but ultimately she is a pretty puppy and a good addition to the family.  Below are some photos that will surely make you go awwwww (unless you have no soul).

Before

Present Day

Before

Stella Earlier Today

Sock Season

As you can tell by the title, I am starting to run out of ideas for interesting blogs.  When you lead an unemployed life, it is difficult to come up with great material every day.  Hopefully today's blog won't bore you to death.  Enjoy the following post about my sock habits!

I know summer is now over because it has become practically necessary for me to wear socks.  Summertime is about bare feet and strange sandal tan lines.  I think I only wore socks 5 times.  Now the September chill makes me feet curl.  It is officially sock season, also known as the season between sweater weather and daisy dukes, bikinis on top time.  Boy, I hope tomorrow's blog is better.

I'm not proud of this...

    Television becomes a much bigger part of your life when you are unemployed.  When all your friends are busy at school or at work, you can always go to your fake friends located inside your television screen.  They are reliable and lead interesting, well edited lives.
    I wish I could say that the shows I have recently begun to watch are quality shows with groundbreaking writing or issues that matter.  Unfortunately most of the shows that I have begun to watch are trash and I can't tell anyone.  These are not the kind of shows that a 22 year old male should be watching.  I should be watching football or nascar, but I need to get this out of my system.  The only outlet for me to confess is this blog because I know that this is a place that no one will ever read.  Here they are:

The View

Question of the Day: Did I wake up early today just to watch The View?
Answer of the Day: Yes.
In my defense, I watched The View today because David Letterman (my personal hero) was a guest and Dave doesn't really ever go on other people's shows.  I was hoping that they would ask him about two things which went unasked.  First they needed to ask if he would have Conan as a guest and second they needed to ask about the blackmail and affair business. 

Side Note: I realized yesterday in a facebook chat that I do, in fact, know the name every host on The View.  It was a sad and stunning revelation.

Keeping up with the Kardashians

 

This show never interested me in the past (except when the volume was turned down.)  Now for some reason my unemployment has made me a fan.  I watch and shake my head when Kourtney goes running back to Scott or when Kim's mom works so hard to set Kim up with guys (OMG Hello?).  I really feel like an idiot now.

Jersey Shore

 I must admit that I watched this show last year while I was still in college.  I have to say that so far this season has been pretty bad.  I don't care about Sammi Sweatheart and Ronnie anymore.  They bother me.  I wish we could vote them off the show.

Well those are the shows.  I also watched the Housewives of New Jersey Reunion with my mom last night.  I hope I don't start to watch that as well.

Happy Labor Day!

        It may be Labor Day for some, but for us loyal bloggers (and unemployed people) we don't get the day off.  Labor Day is a gentle reminder that you are doing something wrong if the day is pretty much the same as every other day.  Labor Day for me is not a three day weekend.  Instead it is a continuation of my 7 day weekends.  It is also a time of guilt and frustration.
       I am a big fan of Jerry Lewis and I tried to watch the telethon, mostly just to see Jerry.  I've never seen the telethon but I've seen and own many of his movies and read his memoir Dean and Me (which I highly recommend).  Here is one of my favorite Lewis movie moments.



      Even though I only saw Jerry for about 5 minutes (after watching for an hour), the telethon did just enough to tug at my heartstrings.  The two little sisters in wheelchairs was truly moving and their outlooks were sad but they lived their lives with hope and positivity.  I should have donated money.
      So to summarize I am guilty about not having a job and for not donating money to Jerry's kids.

A Message to the Kids Out There

           I used to have dreams.  Not the kind of dreams that involve nudity or monsters, but dreams about my future.  As a moderately intelligent college student, my future looked bright.  I lived a life without nagging parents or responsibilities.  At that time, I saw college as a hindrance to spreading my wings and flapping off into the sunset with my supermodel wife.  I couldn’t wait to graduate and conquer the world.  I certainly mocked and tormented the poor fools that had to remain in school for an extra year or semester, and didn’t even talk with the morons who were going to grad school.  How quickly life changes.

            It has been only a few months and I have become depressed, lonely, and bearded.  Issues that didn’t matter like health care and the economy are suddenly relevant as I swim through life with nothing but a stale bag of Chili Cheese Fritos.

Now I can clearly see that I am the moronic fool.  I made the mistake that was made by the Toon Squad in Space Jam: I had the secret stuff all along.  College is not about the destination, but instead the journey.  It’s true that I am only a recent grad in a bad economy, but I now begin sentences with “The young people” and “Back in my day.” The saddest part is that there is usually no one around to hear my quiet mumblings.

            This is not about trying to get you to feel sorry for me.  I will be fine.  This is a call to action for the young people, or perhaps I should say a call to inaction.  Stop doing your homework.  Stop making your dreams come true.  Stop thinking.

             It is time to catch up with the Kardashians.  It’s time to sample various light beers.  But most importantly it’s time to enjoy yourselves because once you graduate you will become fatter, uglier, and dumber as each year passes. 

             Enjoy your college experience!

D+ Advantage?

As I sit and quietly reflect on my life, I wonder where I went wrong.  Do I not have the required skills?  Could I improve my cover letters?  Or am I not educated enough?  After all I did go to Drake University, a school that has been repeatedly included in Princeton Review's and US News' best colleges in the midwest (including this year).  It is unfortunate that the positives of Drake seem to be lost, thanks to an interesting decision.

The D+ advertising campaign may provide an answer as to why I am still jobless.

Let me give you some background.  Drake starts with the letter "D" and we live in an age where we don't have time to read words.  The plus sign is something that represents protons, and is associated with positivity.  The marketing folks decided to bring the two ideas together for the D+ campaign.  I know, genius.

The question becomes this: Is it appropriate for an academic institution to pride itself on being known and associated with a D+?  I think the criticisms write themselves.

And they pretty much have.  The campaign has practically gone viral.  Obviously there are posts from The Des Moines Register and other local sources, but even the Washington Post and the Boston Herald have chimed in. 

Of all the sources that have mentioned this story, the source that I was most surprised to hear from was my next door neighbor.  I bumped into him outside yesterday and even he was laughing and joking about my big D+.  (He may find it funny because his son goes to Bradley with their B+ advantage.)

The worst part is the way Drake is handling it.  They are saying that it is ironic and funny.  When other people don't get it there is a snobbish way of putting people down.  That's how I felt when I posted my problems on Drake's facebook page.

At first, the university's facebook operator seemed to put me down saying that I blew a perfect opportunity to spread the good word about Drake.  I don't know how to respond when somebody I barely talk to asks me if I've heard about Drake's D+ program.  The only way I know how to respond is to join in the mockery and say that it was a bad decision.  Then Drake seems to put down the way my neighbor handled it. Tanya had a much better response than me and it is just like my rhetoric classes taught me.  It doesn't matter what the intent of a text was, it is how it is perceived by the public.  This is a rule that should especially apply to marketing departments.

At the end of the day I agree with the guy in the Iowa State shirt in the KCCI video.  "There are a lot of bad ideas that cut through the clutter and really for those guys, this is a bad idea.  They're too good a school for that."

That's what people should know when they see Drake on a resume.  Then they should hire me.

Gotta Catch Em' All

Figure 1.3

Somewhere along the way I have stopped caring about whether I actually get a job and more about applying in every state.  As you can see from Figure 1.3, I am not discriminating against regions or political leanings.  My resumes are being thrown into garbage cans all across this fine nation.  Despite my widespread use of the postage system, Figure 1.4 clearly shows that my efforts have gone unawarded.

Figure 1.4

Today's highlight: Getting turned down for a job that I didn't want to do but I applied for it anyway.  Thanks and see you tomorrow!

Blogging about nothing

I guess it has come to this.  

Here I am on day 110 of my graduation from Drake University and I have no job.  I have applied to jobs in 19 states and have only heard back from a few.  It's frustrating, it's tough, and we'll soon find out if it's bloggable.

This may turn out to be Seinfeldian blog.  I don't mean that it will be particularly humorous, interesting, or groundbreaking.  What I mean is that it is probably just a blog about nothing.  Some people have cooking blogs or blogs about their fun lives but to do those blogs you need a talent or a fun life.  Really this blog is for me to prove to myself that I still exist and that there are productive things to do other than Rock Band 2.

The readers of this blog, or should I say nobody, should know that the word "adventures" in the title of this blog is really just a way to make it seem like there are things in my life worth reading (and for me writing) about.  An adventure is every day that I continue to not have a job.  The adventure ends when I get a job.  If you want this blog to continue, don't hire me.