I used to have dreams. Not the kind of dreams that involve nudity or monsters, but dreams about my future. As a moderately intelligent college student, my future looked bright. I lived a life without nagging parents or responsibilities. At that time, I saw college as a hindrance to spreading my wings and flapping off into the sunset with my supermodel wife. I couldn’t wait to graduate and conquer the world. I certainly mocked and tormented the poor fools that had to remain in school for an extra year or semester, and didn’t even talk with the morons who were going to grad school. How quickly life changes.
It has been only a few months and I have become depressed, lonely, and bearded. Issues that didn’t matter like health care and the economy are suddenly relevant as I swim through life with nothing but a stale bag of Chili Cheese Fritos.
Now I can clearly see that I am the moronic fool. I made the mistake that was made by the Toon Squad in Space Jam: I had the secret stuff all along. College is not about the destination, but instead the journey. It’s true that I am only a recent grad in a bad economy, but I now begin sentences with “The young people” and “Back in my day.” The saddest part is that there is usually no one around to hear my quiet mumblings.
This is not about trying to get you to feel sorry for me. I will be fine. This is a call to action for the young people, or perhaps I should say a call to inaction. Stop doing your homework. Stop making your dreams come true. Stop thinking.
It is time to catch up with the Kardashians. It’s time to sample various light beers. But most importantly it’s time to enjoy yourselves because once you graduate you will become fatter, uglier, and dumber as each year passes.
Enjoy your college experience!
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