Kids Today

Today was the first Halloween that I have given out candy.  I must be getting older because as I repeatedly opened the door to give candy to strangers, I was generally upset with what greeted me.

Back when I was a young person, Halloween was the best time of year.  You got to actually be creative and more importantly, you got a lot of candy.  Even at an early age, my parents had instilled within me the good values and responsible behavior that goes with the supposed "free" candy.  The candy is not free.  This isn't a redistribution of sucrose or a government handout.  The candy is earned but thankfully it is quite easy for a kid to meet the requirements.

The first requirement is to say a simple phrase, "Trick or treat."  This phrase is quite easy to remember because it is an action verb (Trick-or-treating) and it has the object that you are asking for at the end (a treat.)  Despite the simplicity, more than half of the kids did not say the magic phrase of the day.  I opened the door and they just held out their plastic pumpkin buckets or pillowcases. I paused to see if they would say it but they just stared as if to say, "Come on, idiot, I have places to go."  I begrudgingly was forced to give them candy as their parents watched like hawks from the sidewalk.  It was humiliating.

The second requirement is for the child to dress in costumes.  First let me say that I am not an ageist.  I trick-or-treated all the way through high school and I took it very seriously.  In fact, some of my better costumes were in high school.  With that in mind, some older kids came to my door wearing sweatshirts and jeans.  Even though they said "Trick or treat" I was not happy to give them my Fun Size Snickers.  A costume cannot be something that you could have worn to school on any day.  It wouldn't be hard to turn the sweatshirts and jeans into a costume.  Simply squirt some ketchup on you and suddenly you are bloody guy.  No explanation is needed.  I fought off the urge to punch these hooligans and instead sarcastically said, "Nice costumes."  That showed them.

The final requirement is for you to actually go to the door.  As crazy as it sounds I was asked by two little girls at different times to give an extra piece for their sister. When they asked this they pointed back to their parents at either a stroller or a confused looking fairy butterfly thing.  Their little faces looked at me and I had no choice but to give them the extra candy.  For all I know it was an elaborate scam to double their candy stashes.  I'm onto you, little girls.  No tricks next year.

There was one other thing that I was shocked and appalled by.  It was when a girl got excited when I gave her an Almond Joy.  Really? Almond Joy?  Almond Joy was always a let down for me.  Coconut belongs on Girl Scout cookies, not in milk chocolate.  Even Heath Bars are better than Almond Joy.  They had to name it that because before Almond Joys nobody would have ever used those words together. However, I respected the girl who turned away from me and proudly exclaimed to her mother, "I got Kit Kat."  Maybe there's hope for the future.